Driving test question:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it is just fair, giving that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'

Not wanting to offend anyone in particular, I thought I´d post a few one-line´s that will surely offend everyone.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
 

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
 

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
 
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit’

A groaner:

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


(wait for it)




PINO MORE

PS Heard it on the grapevine :)

What's the difference between a bogey and a brussel sprout?







Have you ever tried getting a kid to eat a brussel sprout?

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday service will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection plate is passed around.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to make use of those donations.

The churches send all their collected casino chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the respective casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks :)

You didn't even see it coming, did you?

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

You push for higher taxes so the government
can provide cows for everyone.





REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?





SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.





COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.






CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.





BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.




AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.





FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.




JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.




CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Dart to bull's-eye: Nice to meet you!
Bull's-eye to dart: Go away ? can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang. Irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree.
The fairy said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree…

God is talking to one of his angels.
He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "Impressive. What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Oh, I think I'll call it a day."

(Mir war zwar so, dass ich das schon mal gepostet hatte, aber ich kann es nicht mehr finden. Es ist einer meiner Lieblingswitze, also kann ein zweites Mal im Zweifelsfall nicht schaden.)

@wi-chan: Ich stehe etwas auf der Leitung. Könntest Du mir erklären worin hier der Witz besteht?! Danke!

In der Doppeldeutigkeit von "call it a day": es bedeutet "Feierabend, Schluss für heute" und hat eben auch die wörtliche Bedeutung, denn was er da geschaffen hat, ist ja eben genau das: a day ...

Danke Wi-chan:-) Jetzt ist der Groschen gefallen;-)

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve saying: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what teh hell are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who shouts down the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "Leave it with me, I'll take care of this."

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a SINGLE thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be with you tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Jaja, laalaa - Schotten sind halt wegen ihrer Verschwendungssucht ausgewiesene Schwaben, gell...

und ich dachte immer, Schwaben seien wegen Geiz ausgewiesene Schotten ;-)

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

`Grumpy says, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf
nuns in Rome.

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in
Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks, as they began chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

have you had the banking crisis hitting Japan yet? You know, with the Origami Bank reported to have folded, and the Harakiri Bank bucking the trend and making a killing? Shall I go on?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the horizon)

+2°C
Italian cars won’t start.

0°C
Pure water freezes.

-1°C
Exhaled air becomes visible. Time to book some holidays around the Mediterranean. The Laps eat ice-cream & drink cold beer.

-4°C
The cat wants to share my duvet.

-10°C
Time to book some holidays in Africa. The Laps go for a swim.

-12°C
Too cold to snow.

-15°C
American cars won’t start.

-18°C
Landlords in Helsinki turn on the heating.

-20°C
Exhaled air becomes audible.

-22°C
French cars won’t start. Too cold for skating.

-23°C
Politicians start empathizing with homeless people.

-24°C
German cars won’t start.

-26°C
You can cut out the building material for igloos from exhaled air.

-29°C
The cat wants to share my pajamas.

-30°C
No proper car will start. Laps curse, kick tires and start theirs Ladas.

-31°C
To cold to kiss, lips might freeze. The Lapland-soccer-team starts with their spring training.

-35°C
Time to take a 2-week-hot-bath. The Laps scoop the snow from their roofs.

-39°C
Mercury freezes. Too cold to even think. Laps button up their shirts.

-40°C
The car wants to share my duvet. Laps put on a sweater.

-44°C
My colleague from Finland considers the possibility to shut the window of our office.

-45°C
The Laps shut the bathroom-window.

-50°C
Sea-lions leave Greenland. Laps put on mittens instead of gloves.

-70°C
Polar Bears leave the polar region. At the University of Rovaniemi (Lappland) an outing is organized.

-75°C
Santa leaves the polar region. Laps put down the earflaps of their caps.

-120°C
Alcohol freezes. Consequence: Laps are annoyed.

-268°C
Helium fluidizes.

-270°C
Hell freezes

-273,15°C
Absolute zero. Zero motion of elementary particles. Laps admit: Ok, it’s a bit cool – pass me another schnaps to suck on.

7: You forgot at least one:

ANARCHISM:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
Your neighbour shoots you and takes both cows.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit? What happened next?"

An Arab, a German, a Russian and a British physician boast about their countries' achievements in medicine.

The Arab doctor proclaims, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work within six weeks.'

The German doctor replies, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take half a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work within four weeks.'

The Russian doctor scoffs, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work within two weeks!'

The British doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'Hah! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

I know it's a groaner but someone's got to keep this alive...


Why did the one-handed mand cross the street?







Because, on the other side, he saw a second-hand store!

What is optimism?

An investment banker ironing five shirts on Sunday.

What do you say to a hedge funds manager who coudn't go short?

One big mac with fries, please.

eMail to RBS:
Given the news about your institute, should I clear my bank account?

Answer:
No problem, we will take care of this.

How many investment bankers do you need to change a light bulb?

Two: One who drops the old one, and the other who sells it, before it smashes on the ground.

What's the diffrence between an investment banker and a pizza?

A family of four can eat one's fill from a pizza.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, following people are stranded:

– two Italian men and one Italian woman
– two French men and one French woman
– two German men and one German woman
– two English men and one English woman
– two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

– One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
– The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
– The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
– The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
– The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at
the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, "If you ain't
gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young
pup and says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and
slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He
gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the
chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili
back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?




















From a catalogue

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse, me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a consultant" said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what you're talking about and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip and wasted my time."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management"

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the consultant, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic.
Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says that no one believed he could get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

Men are like ... Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders. You think you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Which just reminds me, Wari:

Coffee. Chocolate. Men.
Some things are just better rich ...

The owner of my local fish & chip shop was arrested recently.

They charged him with multiple counts of battery


(The neighbours always thought there was something fishy going on...)

Two Indian drug addicts inject themselves with curry powder by mistake, their condition is critical, one has a dodgy Tikka and the other is in a Korma!

Good jokes, Vileness fats!!

Its been so long since we chatted!! The last time we spoke, you had just got your wife's jewellery back from the hotel, isn't it?? (Hope you remember who I am now!)

So, what's new?

I moved to Deutschland 3 weeks ago!!

Heard from Eilean?

A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots!
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff ...
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did..
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did..
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
And here I am."

Son of a gun. Blonde men do exist!

God knows whether these are genuine, but...


Church Bulletins;
> They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church
> ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)
> actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
> services:
> --------------------------
>
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> --------------------------
>
> The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
> tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> --------------------------
>
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
> much about you.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
> obvious pleasure to the congregation.
>
> --------------------------
>
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> nursery downstairs.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
> help they can get.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
> church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
> --------------------------
>
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
> Music will follow.
>
> --------------------------
>
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
> Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
> ------------------------
>
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
> several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
> recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> person you want remembered.
>
> --------------------------
>
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
> and gracious hostility.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>
> --------------------------
>
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
> may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
> --------------------------
>
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
> from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
> are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>
> --------------------------
>
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
> Sunday.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
> the back door.
>
> --------------------------
>
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
> this tragedy.
>
> --------------------------
>
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>
> --------------------------
>
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
> Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week
 

Last week, I checked into my hotel in Atlanta, and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books, like escorts and such." I looked through the phone book, and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
 
"Hello," the woman says . . God, she sounded sexy!
 
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
 
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A few more "Science for political dummies":

FEUDALISM
You have 2 Cows.
Your Lord takes some


PURE SOCIALISM
You have 2 Cows.
The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
The Government gives you as much milk as you need


BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have 2 Cows.
The Government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
They are cares for by Ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the Chicken the Government took off the Chicken Farmers.
The Government gives you as much milk and Eggs as the regulation says you need.


FASCISM
You have 2 Cows.
The Government takes them and hires you to take care of them.
The Government sells you the milk


PURE COMMUNISM
You have 2 Cows.
You neighbors helps you take care of them and you all share the milk.


RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have 2 Cows.
You have to take care of the cows, but the Government takes all the milk.


DICTATORSHIP
You have 2 Cows.
The Government takes both and shoots you.


SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
You have 2 Cows.
The Government fines you for having 2 unlicensed farm animals in your flat.


MILITARISM
You have 2 cows.
The Government takes both and drafts you.


PURE DEMOCRACY
You have 2 Cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.


REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have 2 Cows.
Your neighbors pick someone who decides who gets the milk.


AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
The Government promises to give you 2 Cows if you vote for them.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".


BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have 2 Cows.
You feed them Sheep's brain. They go mad and the Government doesn't do anything.


BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 Cows.
At first the Government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.
After that it takes both. Shoots one and milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
The it requires you to fill out forms for the missing Cows.


ANARCHY
You have 2 Cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or the neighbors try to kill you and take the Cows.


HONG KONG CAPITALISM
You have 2 Cows.
You sell 3 of them to the publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by you brother-in-law at the bank. Then execute the debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all your 4 Cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 Cows.
The milk rights for 6 Cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right for all 7 Cows milk back to the to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owne's 8 Cows, with an option for 1 more.
Meanwhile you kill the 2 Cows because the Feng Shui is bad.


ENVIRONMENTALISM
You have 2 Cows.
The Government banns you from either milking or killing them.


FEMINISM
You have 2 Cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf.


TOTALITARIANISM
You have 2 Cows.
The Government takes them and denies they every existed.
Milk is banned.


POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associates with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) 2 differently-aged, (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.


COUNTER CULTURE
Wow, Dude, there's like these 2 Cows, man.
You got to have some of the milk.


SURREALISM
You have 2 giraffes.
The Government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

I also would like to invite to this website:
http://www.markus1974.de/html/ejokes.htm

Plenty of English jokes I compiled quite a while ago

Snoring Dog
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says, and ignores the advice. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home after being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes later and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night but, by God, we got first and second place!"

I also found more Nationalities for the deserted Island :-)

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, following people are stranded:

– two Greek men and one Greek woman
– two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– two American men and one American woman
– two Australian men and one Australian woman
– two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman


One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


- The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek Women is cooking for them

- The Bulgarian men take a look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and start swimming

- The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American women keeps bitching about the necessities of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

- The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

- The 2 Australian men beat each other senseless over the women, who is looking over the other island checking out all the other men there after calling them "bloody wankers".

- 1 New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand women while the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.

Hi Neha_K

Of course I remember you ! New land, new nick? So you finally made it over! I bet you are going to miss the food. Whereabouts are you then? You where planning to stay a couple of years providing you could both find a job if I remember correctly! I can imagine that jobs are pretty hard to find at the moment what with the current financial situation here in Germany, how is it back home?
I’ve not heard from Eilean for a long time, but I’ve been pretty busy and have just got back from vacation in Italy so I have a great pile of work on my desk ;-(
Hope you have fun over here and be sure to keep in touch.

Actually, I got here because I got a job! :-)

The situation back home isn't so bad, really!

And yes, we're already missing the food!!!

Wow! Holiday in Italy? I'm sure it must have been great! Where did you go?

I'm in Braunschweig now. What about you?

It's really good for you two to have found each other again, after what I guess must have been quite some time! Yet, may I suggest one of our numerous chat threads for private chatting, rather than the jokes thread? Don't get me wrong, but three times I looked in here thinking "Oh, a new post, another joke, nice!", just to intrude on your private conversation.

(here's my joke, to take the edge off my bitching ...)

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.”
And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Okay, wi-chan! Valid point...

So here goes:

A man walked into a pet store and complained: "This cat you sold me is no good. You told me that it would be good for mice, and it hasn't caught one yet"
The clerk said: "Isn't that good for the mice?"

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

I don't know if this one has been posted yet..
Well, it's a rather short one and goes like that:

Who's the only one who's not hungry at Thanks Giving?

- The turkey, because it's stuffed :D

Certainly been told somewhere before...

What was the Clinton Presitency called?
Sex between the Bushes!


And some more Bush-bashing:
Never trust a plant... it could be a Bush!

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch... It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center...

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed

that everybody was staring at me. It was then that I suddenly remembered...
I'd been listening to my iPod...

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin.

How do his friends like theirs?

I don't know, but I hope they like Jammin too

Delights of travelling on Eurostar!!
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f---ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again!!"

How do you make a scotch whisky?


Take an Irish whiskey and put a cigarette in...

Conversation between Bubba J and a friend.

F: Hey Bubba J, what you've been doing lately?

Bubba: Watching Nascar and drinking beer.

F: That's your favourite Sport?

Bubba: Yeah, Nascar's too.

What's the difference between a make up artist and an archaeologist?

The make up artist has recognized that antiquties shall be filled up, not digged out.

"Conversation between Bubba J and a friend.
F: Hey Bubba J, what you've been doing lately?
Bubba: Watching Nascar and drinking beer.
F: That's your favourite Sport?
Bubba: Yeah, Nascar's too."
I heard that one from Jeff Dunham in "A spark of insanity" Just do a Youtube search and enjoy, he's hilarious ;-)

Here my contribution to the thread:

How to Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert

Theoretical Physics Methods

The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

The Schrödinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.

The Quantum Measurement Method
We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage.

The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator, exchanging spins.

The Newton method
Cage and lion attract each other with the gravitation force. We neglect the friction. This way the lion will arrive sooner or later in the cage.

The Special relativistic method
One moves over the desert with light velocity. The relativistic length contraction makes the lion flat as paper. One takes it, rolls it up and puts a rubber band around the lion.

The general relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.

The Heisenberg method
Position and velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same time. As moving lions have no physical meaningful position in the desert, one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as an exercise for the reader.

@Cuthbert: I've got that Joke from there. Have you seen the Christmas Special? The song of Bubba J is funny as hell =D

A !german! guest in a shabby hotel in London, feels clammy and cold all night because of an extrem draught in his room. And his single blanket does’nt keep warm at all.

Next morning he want to complain that at the reception.

He said:

“There is train in my room. If I not became another ceiling I’ll undress.”

(Es ist Zug in meinem Zimmer. Wenn ich keine andere Decke bekomme werde ich ausziehen)

Moses and Jesus Playing Golf
It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.
Next up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball comes to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.
Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck’s windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper’s shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.
In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
 
aaaand another one:

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the drunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

aaand another one:

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”

*

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

*

Why do old men get Viagra in their rest home?
A half pill in the morning to aim the pissoir by self
In the evening a hole pill to prevent rolling out of the bed at night

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

aaand one more *work looming*

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it’s first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver’s side window and asked “Nice car there Sonny, what is it?”

“Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!” exclaimed the cocky attorney. “And” he continued, “it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!”

“Wow,” replied the old man, “mind if I take a look inside?” he asked. “Of course not,” the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, “That’s a pretty fancy sportscar, all right… but I’ll stick with my scooter!”

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he’s doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?” the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the lawyer. “How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react… Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it’s the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and moans, finally he replies… “Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

What a coincidence!



A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a

Glass of champagne.



The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of

Champagne, too!'



'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am

Celebrating.'



'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.



'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man

Asked, 'What are you celebrating?'



'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'



'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all

Of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'



'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'



'I used a different cock,' he replied.



The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

A Green Peace ship is cruising the sees to override illegal whaling.

Unfortunately they are too late, a japanese whaler had already shot a whale, chipped off the rind and prepare to release the body back into the see.

The Green Peace captain abuses the whalers captain by radio, but the laconic answer is that the whale has been duly measured and all this is in accordance with scientific purpose and hang up.

Green Peace launches a torpedo. The whaler, in panic returns to the radio and asks what the hell Green Peace had driven to launch that torpedo. It is an illegal act of piracy.
Laconically the Green Peace captain responsed, „Don’t worry about, before you sink, we will duly measure your ship, overtake your fuel and this only in scientific purpose.”

After some 2,000 years in heaven, Trinity gets sort of bored. So they have an idea – they should go on holidays. But where to? Godfather says: “Well, I really don’t mind. Just lets avoid the US. People to often make wrongful use of my name there.“
“Well“, responds Jesus Christ, “for my part we could go anywhere. Only, please, let’s not go to Israel and Palestine. These places really evoke bad memories.”
“OK”, suggests the Holy Spirit, “let’s go to Rome. I’ve never been there ever before!”


[By the way, this one I was told by a Polish Catholic priest.]

The latest one from Ottawa ... ;-)

Oh, this one is SOOOOOO bad, it squeaks.






a lighter touch






A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.








The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.


Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.








'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.






Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.











'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'








The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'








(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)







'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.





(please ... no fowl language!)

Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

How to classify girls by their hair color.

Blondes:
Under a golden roof, often you find a plastic jutty.

Brunettes:
When the sun is shining on a dark roof, it will become hot beyond.

Redheads:
Which has a rusty roof, has a wet basement too.

Not exactly hot off the press, but still good:

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which became
increasingly tighter and more uncomfortable as the day went on.
That night, with the festivities finally over, she and Charles retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove one's shoes darling,
one's feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!'

'Come on, give it all you've got' she cried.

Finally when the shoe came off, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like
that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe, when he cried out 'Oh God, darling, this one's even
tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

Whats the difference between Iris Robinson and Ikea?









None!
One wrong screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Just heard on a very old episode of QI...

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
.
.
.
Because he's a fungi...


What is brown and sticky?
.
.
.
a stick

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
A carrot


What is green and sings?
.
.
.
Elvis Parsley

What is red and silly?
.
.
.
a blood clot

ouchouchouch..

The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was
entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E.....N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

From dragonfly70:

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has
swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the
nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks
back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Groaners, anyone?

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was sued for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on ahead".

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine

@ 79 #18

One o too much.

Hmm... demcracy, yur, or vtes?

Or cunt? :-o

Mujibar was trying to get a job in in a call centre in India .
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Muji-bar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up an-other fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say any-thing, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Somebody told me this one the other day, but I'm afraid it only works when read aloud:

Why can't motorcycles and bicycles stand up on their own?
Because they are too tired!

It took a minute but then ... very nice!

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

A professor has found after extensive research there are two sizes of pen*s amongst UK men. There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches while erect. The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

Could all men in the UK with extremely small pen*ses make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from the roof of their car

My question: what's so vulgar about the word "penis"?

@hermarphromoose: I just CP-ed it, but here are two shiny "i"s to insert at your pleasure :)

Hmmm- so when laalaa talks about a penis, she gives hermaphromoose shiny eyes... ;)

(and I'm not even going to go into the "insert at your pleasure" bit...)

:D

here are two shiny "i"s to insert at your pleasure

*lmao* ;-D

*snicker*
Hey, get your minds out of the gutter! ;-}

Hi, although I am sure that this one must have been posted before, let me add it here:

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!"and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's is the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started!"

A pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said: "Follow me, I will show your rooms."
They both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room. It was a big room with a big bed, a pool and lots of pretty woman.
"God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the pope?"
"Well, we have tons of popes, but lawyers, well, you're the first one."

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking ....
it scared the hell out of me, so that's it.
After today, no more reading.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You're going to love the dad's reply:

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLSEYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!!"

A few thoughts for Friday:

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(are you ready for this?)






"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Groschen fällt nur halb. Thin ist klar, aber repaint?

Dictionary: to repent
(Hab ich aber auch nur erraten über eine Wörterbuchsuche nach "bereuen"... :-))

Danke tigger. Ist nicht unbedingt mein Wortfeld.

Hmm, auf repent wäre ich auch nicht gekommen.
Ist "thin" dann auch ein Wortspiel mit "sin"?

You got it, minima.

Thanks, hermarphromoose! :)

Haven't read all of the first thread, so sorry if the following one had been posted already.


Some things you can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

I know it´s bad, but it made me (and my kids)laugh.

Why did the baker have brown hands ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because he needed a poo !

Sir Charles was a proud man. He had started with nothing and had made his own way in life. He had started as a bank clerk and now he was chairman of his bank.

Joyce, his wife, was pleased that her husband had done well. They had been married for 35 years and they were quite happy really but sometimes she wished that he weren't ... well, quite so pleased with himself - and that sometimes he would remember how hard she had worked over the years to help him.

One evening at dinner, Joyce said, "Darling, I met an old boyfriend today. Freddie Carpenter. Do you remember him? He's a bank clerk in one of your branches, actually."
"A bank clerk?" said Sir Charles, horrified. "Dealing with lost cheques and counting ten pound notes? Dear, oh dear. Just think darling, what your life would have been like if you had married him!

"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "If I had married him, maybe he would be chairman of the bank now."

I'm a bit ashamed to admit I don't get the poo one. :-{
Is it supposed to be gross-out haha or am I missing some sort of pun (British perhaps?)? And usually even I find the gross-out haha ones funny, but with this one I'm just thinking, "Even if the baker needed a poo, why did he have to wipe with his hands? That's disgusting. And why a baker in the first place?"
Surely I'm missing something ...

Hermar, I'm so awfully glad you asked that, 'cause I've been wondering for weeks, but didn't dare ask, fearing it was so obvious and only me the blind one ...

Okay, since there are TWO sufferers...I'll spoil it:
think of the English word for "kneten" and put it in past tense - voilà

*groan* ...

AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh .....

Sorry lawyers! ;)


A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asked the bartender, 'Do you serve lawyers here?'

'Yes', said the bartender.

'Good', said the man, 'In that case I'll have a whisky, and a lawyer for my alligator'.

Well, Your Honour, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I drove into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who, as you can see, is a dwarf, approached me aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.





...aaaand one more:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

Clerk to customer in hardware store: "May I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Do you have four two-watt bulbs?"
Clerk: "For what?"
Customer: "No, two."
Clerk: "Two what?"
Customer: "Yes."
Clerk: "No."

Slightly OT:

A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

I am still not getting # 110,

could someone explain it to poor Pooh?

laalaa hat's doch schon erklärt: "needed" klingt wie "kneaded"...

Ich hab immer gedacht was hat denn poo mit kneaded zu tun? Typischer Fall von mit meinem dicken Bärenhintern auf dem Schlauch gesessen. Danke :-)

What's the difference between a Bud and having sex in a canoe?

There is none - both is fucking close to water.

both are

SCNR :=)

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Bad day at work for a commercial diver

April, 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under your cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my rear.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Brian

What's the fear of being stuck in a chimney called?




Santaclaustrophobia.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you at McDonald's."

http://eingangrad.de/2011/04/regen-wind-und-s...

Das Bild wollte ich Euch nicht vorenthalten ;-)

Erinnert mich an das Türschild im Zug "Nicht öffnen, bevor der Zug hält", aus dem jeman "ich öffne , bevor er Zu hält" gemacht hat ;-)

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

---

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

My mate David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now.

Osama Bin Laden really shouldn't have used his real address on the Playstation Network!

Q: What does a piece of toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

A: They circle around Uranus looking for Klingons.

I'm about to launch a new alcoholic drink - I'll call it "Responsibly".
Hey presto: free advertising!

A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me ............... talking to the wine."

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on a beach. A beautiful woman walks by and asks him, "Have you ever been hugged before?" The man says, "No..." and the woman gives him a great big bear hug, then walks away. About an hour later, an even more beautiful woman walks up and asks him, "Have you been kissed before?" The man again says, "No..." and the woman gives him a long, passionate kiss, then walks away. About an hour later, the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen walks up and says, "Have you ever been fucked before?" Sensing a pattern, the man gets excited and manages to stammer out, "No..." The woman looks around, then looks back to the man and says, "Well, you are now, because the tide is coming in." Then she walks away.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she was told twice.


(From an britisch colleague)

A successful Texas rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Bill is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He answers and two sheriff's deputies are standing there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can they see a picture of his wife. Bill says, "Sure." So he shows them a photo of his wife.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Bill says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies of happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "What was that, did you hear anything?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, lying on top of her, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

And

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire StateBuilding. one turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen. 1st Man: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again." and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well, what the hell it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat'. Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

I just stumbled upon this page:

http://www.cheatingtranslators.com/bad-translator

It takes your English word or sentence and then translates up to 56 times back and forth in different languages.

Just as an example:

Original text:

"I swear my bicycle was locked."

...56 translations later we get:

"Reasons."

Thanks for sharing that, Cuthbert! This is fun!

Original text:

"You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you"

...30 translations later we get:

"After the server"


You should start a new "weird Google translations" thread ;o)



And another one:

"Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye"

...50 translations later we get:

"Package, only a few cents, but"

I'm sorry just another one that left me wondering.

Original text:

"Translating phrases is fun."

...56 translations later we get:

"Bear costume."



How exactly did this happen???

Er....


Original text:

"Translating phrases is fun"

...56 translations later we get:

"Best fishing."

Kiss Me I'm Shifaced

...

Hotels Pushing Alcohol

Ah ja ...

The girl on my left is looking better every beer

...

Back to ENGLISH : من یک زن زیبا برای هر یک آبجو به حال

Hä?

Dritter Versuch: I am a beautiful girl in town.

OK ...

It's not always the same, Dragon. When I entered your "song of sixpence" twice, I got "But saving a few dollars" first time, "Looking 50 Bushels of wheat" [WTF?] the second ...

Original text:

"Translating phrases is fun"

...56 translations later we get:

"Best fishing."


I just re-tested, even the punctuation is relevant for the result :D

And another one, sorry again.

Original text:

"I am awesome!"

...50 translations later we get:

"Me too!"

Original text:

"Das Glueck dieser Erde ist auf dem Ruecken der Pferde "

...56 translations later we get:

"Mark rake preparation prokurasyo ​​s 达斯 acid reflux bronko 鲁克 Beijing."

Na gut, dass das so verstaendliches Englisch ist...

Die denken eben voraus:

The five-storey building was demolished using heavy machinery.

wird zu

You can use the materials for the construction of five plants.

Die sind bloß etwas zu optimistisch ;-)

Auch kurze Sachen sind sehr nett:

Happy Birthday

wird nach 10 Übelsetzungen zu

Merry Christmas

nach 56 Übelsetzungen dann zu

Entertainment

Das könnte in etwa auch stimmen :-)

Priceless ;-)

"Listen to many, speak to a few."

56 translations

"Costs."

"There's place and means for every man alive."

40 translations

"Activities in the East, and live forever."

Is this prophetic?

Finally:

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"

50 translations

"Half of the King!"

As Louis said: "L'état c'est moi" well, at least half of it ;-)

Wer kennt ihn nicht, diesen berühmten Ausspruch von JFK:

"If the parties at the national level." ;-)

Auch für Werbeslogans bestens geeignet ;o)

Original text:

"Come in and find out"

...56 translations later we get:

"Further."



Original text:

"I'm lovin' it "

...56 translations later we get:

"Yes, we, "he said."



Original text:

"Refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach"

...56 translations later we get:

"Money is another."



Original text:

"Because I'm worth it"

...56 translations later we get:

"Offset"

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several
minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and
said,"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed.The two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a
while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts
are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

My wife has packed her bags and left me, just because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling Canneloni right now...

They won't know who robbed the Scotch factory until they check the tape.

I saw gasoline selling for one dollar a gallon, but then I saw that March had just ended. It was an April fuel's joke

Hihi ;-)

159 versteh ich allerdings nicht so recht. "Scotch" wie in "Tesa", nicht wie in "Johnny Walker", richtig?

Question: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Answer: Snowballs

genau, leider nicht der Johnny, sondern das scotch tape... habe da einen tollen link bekommen, werde noch ein paar "puns" hier poschte.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Thanks for the link Cuthbert

My test:

Original text:

"Please translate this text as badly as possible"

...56 translations later we get:

"Error."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

... und schluss für heute!

and a more accurate version of my #156

Original text:

"Please translate this text as badly as possible"

...10 translations later we get:

"Send a text error"

not SO bad really...

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Groaner alert!

Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic? Wondered for days if there was a dog!

Man goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'". "Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?". "It's not unusual...."

Knock, knock. whos there? Biggish! Biggish who? No thanks, just bought one.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

Atheism is a no prophet organisation.

A man got a job as a zookeeper, on his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he saw a beautiful finch. He reached into the cage and caught the bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions cage to get rid of the evidence. As he was walking away he accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot over the wall into the lions cage. As he walked past the Monkey cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.
The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here from Africa, what's this place like then?"
"It's all right here mate" said the old lion. "What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
"Not too bad" said the old lion "Last night I had finch, chimps and mushy bees!"

A sentient length of string (bear with me here) walks into a bar. The bartender orders him to exit, stating, “We don’t serve strings in here!” Back on the street, the string is now quite wound up, and starting to feel a bit frazzled. Angrily he storms back into the bar, and when the bartender sees him again, asks him, “Ain’t you that string that was just in here?”
The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot. Can I get a beer?”

Juhuuu! Nur den mit Tom Jones kapier ich nicht.

I'm a frayed knot. Wie geil!

Herr Bubb, hilft Ihnen das hier vielleicht bei Ihrem Verständnisproblem weiter? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6azSHCHwPc

Ah, jetzt geht ein Licht auf ...

Bob was in trouble on Thursday. He forgot his silver wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
drive that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the drive, although somewhat smaller than expected.

The wife put on her bathrobe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

--------

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"
He heard the voice again.
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!

---------

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," replied Johnny.
"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

A variety troupe gives a performance in Bilbao in an old theatre, which has only one way in and one way out. Unfortunately a fire breaks out and in the ensuing panic many are killed in the crush trying to get out of the building. There is an inquiry in which the manager of the theatre is heavily criticised for putting all his Basques in one exit.


"Knock knock who's there"

"Humbug"

"Humbug who"

"Hum buggered if I know"



A guy walks into a cave and finds a magic lamp and rubs it and a genie appears.
"You have one wish master" said the genie. "OK", says the guy,
"make me irresistible to women". So the genie turned him into a credit card.


At a meeting of feminists one woman shouts out aloud, "All we want is to be equal to men".
A guy in the audience shouts back "Lady, you have no ambition!".


It’s early on Christmas day, a couple awakes, she says, “Stay in bed a while till I’ve made breakfast.” He notices a present lying on the bedside table. He unpacks two silk neckties, one red, one green. He decides to dress up a little – after all, it’s Christmas. After some lengthy minutes trying on both, he puts on the red tie, knots a neat Windsor and goes down to the kitchen humming happily. His wife gives him a vitriolic look, and says, “So you don’t like the green one, you, you…!”

Having a rough day? Then try this - it really works!

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear. The brook gurgles and the air is cool.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

See? You are already smiling!

Original: Roswell

After 56 translations: Luosiveyer

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said: 'Who the f**k did your hair?'"

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms..
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir", says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They 're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman. "BMW thinks of everything!"

*prust*
Jetzt hätte ich fast meinen Tee auf die Tastatur gespuckt...

Libby, never read jokes whilst, A: drinking tea/coffee or B. eating rice !
Another no no is saying "Pork pie" with a mouth full of cream crackers :-)

Thanks for your advice, Vf! You're so right...
I'll remember next time (I hope)... *gggg*

Did we have this one?


A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Ever hear about the young lady who was an ardent Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race fan?
Her ambition was to have the chance to kiss the cox of the winning crew...

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply. "Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?".

The shopkeeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?".

The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered.......

"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a fuck".

A thief once stole ashes from a crematorium, and sold them to cannibals as instant people...

What have American Beer and Sex on a boat in common?

It´s both fucking close to water.

Please allow me a couple little corrections to the last one since you see them often from German speakers.

What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

Thanks, my dear moose, for rescuing a joke ... ;-)

An Irishman is asked who he wants to be marooned on a desert island with if he had the choice.

He think carefully...

"Uncle Bob"

"Why?"

He has a boat!

FredaJ
www.free-job-descriptions.com

Du, FredaJ, wir moegen so Werbeeinblendungen hier nicht so gerne, kannst Du beim naechsten Witz Deine Webaddi einfach weglassen? :-)

An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar. Says the barman, what's that, some kind of joke?

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?


A: Pumpkin pi.

Once there was a time when Church ruled with allmighty power.
These times are called the dark Age.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."

#197 reminds me of the following:

Customer: You sold me these condoms, but look: there are holes in all of them!!!
Pharmacist: Well, that's the family pack ...

An English bank sends one of its staff to New York for a six-month stint.
An official at the airport in NY asks him about the purpose of his visit, how long he's staying etc.

"I shall be working as a clerk for six months."
"I beg your pardon, say that again."
"Very simple, I'm going to work as a clerk for six months."
"Look, I don't have time for jokes, you tell me you're gonna sit on a shelf and go "tick-tark, tick-tark" all day..."

Light Bulb Jokes

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the engineer. And how many Californians? Four - one to change the light bulb and three to share the experience.

An Australian bush pilot crashes and slowly wakes up two days later in hospital. He notices a concerned-looking nurse bending over his bed.

"Nurse, was I brought here to die?"

"No - yesterdie."

Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

#202 thanks! You just made my day :-)

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks all stopped at line two

There was an old maid from Verdun