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    Englisch gesucht

    You better come clean once before you die

    Betreff

    You better come clean once before you die

    Quellen
    Hallo zusammen

    Ich arbeite an eine Liedertext und wäre froh, wenn ihn sich jemand durchlesen und, wenn nötig, korrigieren könnte.

    Wie immer wäre ich froh, wenn das Reimschema erhalten bleibt (auch wenn es sich nicht überall um 100%- echte Reime handelt)
    Kommentar
    Is this what I deserve? - A life so drear
    Is this what I deserve? - A life in fear
     
    This is what I deserve - A life in chains
    This is what I deserve - A life in flames
     
    You better run from your dark past
    You better rot in your sins at last
    You better hide from the fiery eyes
    You better come clean once before you die

    Grüsse
    KRANE
    VerfasserKRANE (904169) 25 Jul. 17, 12:24
    Kommentar
    "drear" isn't a word. Your probably meant "dreary" which doesn't rhyme. You could use "dear". That would rhyme, but I don't know if that's what you want to express here.

    A life in chains/A life in flames
    That doesn't rhyme perfectly, but it works for me. I like it.
    #1Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 12:39
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    #2VerfasserRobNYNY (242013) 25 Jul. 17, 12:45
    Kommentar
    #3VerfasserMyotis (485253) 25 Jul. 17, 12:54
    Kommentar
    OK. Actually you should never use the word "never" and never write: "XXX isn't a word" in the LEO forum. ;-)
    If you want to use a word that most people don't know for artistic puposes than that is your choice. I would be the last one here to want to stifle artistic creativity. Even as a made-up word it could work.
    #4Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 12:56
    Kommentar
    You better come clean once before you die
    Kannst Du das "once" streichen? Dann passt das Versmaß auch besser.

    #5Verfassereastworld (238866) 25 Jul. 17, 13:06
    Kommentar
    You better rot in your sins at last
    I would use something else here such as: "You're going/bound to rot in your sins at last." I know, that would be breaking out of your repetition scheme, but your wording doesn't make a lot of sense. "You (had) better do this or that" is a type of warning that someone should do something or otherwise something bad will occur. In the other 3 lines it makes sense, but here it doesn't. You're not telling someone they should rot in their sins or else something terrible will happen to them. That doesn't make sense.
    #6Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 13:07
    VorschlagBut ...
    Quellen
    ... saying "drear" isn't a word in English does not help with the translation. Whether it is a word or not (in your opinion), it still needs a translation.
    #7VerfasserRobNYNY (242013) 25 Jul. 17, 13:32
    Kommentar
    I didn't know this was about a translation. I thought it was about reading through some lyrics and making corrections. I think it's fair and valid to give my reaction as a native speaker.
    FWIR I think this thread was posted in the wrong part of the forum. I don't care in the slightest, but if someone else wants to translate the lyrics, be my guest.
    #8Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 13:39
    Kommentar
    Many thanks for all your help!

    About the "you better rot.." sentence.
    What about if you'd continue this sentence with "You better rot in your sins or else we will kill you" (for example).
    Then it sounds more like a warning?

    Aber ich kann mir sonst was anderes ausdenken... =)

    #5 : Wäre im prinzip möglich, wobei die Sätze nicht in ein Versmass passen müssen. Im Gegenteil, man kann so ziemlich coole Rhythmen einbauen.
    #9VerfasserKRANE (904169) 25 Jul. 17, 13:41
    Kommentar
    Z. 1-2: in tears - in fears?
    #10Verfassermbshu (874725) 25 Jul. 17, 13:42
    Kommentar
    What about if you'd continue this sentence with "You better rot in your sins or else we will kill you" (for example).
    Then it sounds more like a warning?
    Well, not really, but I think you get the point. "To rot in your sins" sounds to me like an allusion to hell, your fate after death. Or it could be someone is still alive, but their life is a "living hell" because of their sins. At any rate, why would "rotting in one's sins" allow one to escape being killed? It's difficult to explain, but I'm trying my best. I think "rotting in one's sins" is not something you can warn or advise a person to do. Nobody wants to rot in their sins. Everybody tries to avoid that automatically. ;-) That's my best explanation.
    #12Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 13:56
    Kommentar
    Totally makes sense wupper!
    Thanks a lot for your help and the time explaining it to me! =)

    How about: You better confess your sins at last
    Does this work?
    #13VerfasserKRANE (904169) 25 Jul. 17, 14:10
    Kommentar
    oder: get rid of?
    #14Verfassermbshu (874725) 25 Jul. 17, 14:12
    Kommentar
    It works fine for me, KRANE. Excellent. I think you've got the hang of it now.
    OR: You better own up to your....

    ...but, hey, it's your song. :-) Good luck and glad to help!
    #15Verfasserwupper (354075) 25 Jul. 17, 14:14
    Kommentar
    Krane, da ich dich letztens schon mal falsch verstanden habe:
    Wenn 'You better' bewusst umgangssprachlich sein soll, ist das in Ordnung, aber richtig ist eigentlich 'You'd better' (für 'had')

    Und nein, es wird keine Übersetzung gesucht, wie im OP auch klar steht.
    #17VerfasserGibson (418762) 25 Jul. 17, 20:36
    Kommentar
    I'd not heard 'drear' before either, and if I'd heard it in a song I'd have assumed someone had made up the word for the purpose of rhyme. Obviously it's up to you, Krane, but you might want to take into consideration that two native speakers assumed (wrongly) that it wasn't a word. Also, the dictionaries describe 'drear' as 'literary' -- I wouldn't say your lyrics are particularly literary (absolutely NOT a criticism, merely a neutral observation!).
    #18Verfasserpapousek (343122) 25 Jul. 17, 23:19
    Quellen
    Kommentar
    some literary sources for "drear" (see also # 18)
    #19Verfasserjamqueen (1129860) 26 Jul. 17, 09:26
     
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