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    Looking for advice on PhD Cover letter

    13­ Replies
    Topic

    Looking for advice on PhD Cover letter

    Comment
    Hello everyone,
    I had already posted an e-mail enquiry about a PhD project in this forum and received some good advice back then. While the result of this application is still pending, I would greatly appreciate if anyone could have a look at the new one that I would like to submit in the following days.


    -------------------------
    Dear Professor X,
    Dear Dr. Y,

    With my great interest in applied research in aerospace engineering, the PhD Thesis at (company) posted on the website of (website) directly appealed to me.

    I have recently obtained a Master of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from the (university). During my Master’s I specialized in aerospace engineering with a special focus on control engineering and structural dynamics. Furthermore, I acquired knowledge in the field of aeroelasticity while being an exchange student at the (university). In the course of a study and research period at the (university) in (city), (country), I intensively dealt with mechatronic systems and machine vibrations.
    It has long been clear to me that, following my studies, I want to do research in the field of applied control engineering and structural dynamics. In this regard, I am looking for a topic that is of high relevance for a widely recognized company in the aerospace sector, as it is the case with this PhD position in collaboration with (company). My fascination for both the products and the working environment of (same company) was strengthened during a six-month internship at (same company) in (city), where I was part of the (department). There, my task was to analyze and categorize malfunctions of the new (propulsion system). I was strongly involved in the day-to-day business of the design offices as well as the flight test department and my achievements in the project led
    to an award as a “high-performing intern”.
    I am convinced that my strong analytical thinking abilities are an excellent basis for the successful completion of this PhD; in the past they helped me obtain the highest grades in both exams and research projects. My high level of commitment also led to several awards and scholarships. Furthermore, I demonstrated my capability to explain complex issues in a simple way in the course of various positions as a research assistant at my home university. There, but also during several stays abroad, my open-mindedness and excellent communication skills allowed a fast integration in very diverse working groups.
    I consider the advertised PhD position to be the perfect opportunity to make full use of my acquired knowledge and combine it with my great interest for innovations in the aerospace industry. I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you to further discuss my motivation and my qualifications. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

    Yours sincerely,

    (name)
    -------------------------



    Thanks a lot!

    Best
    Martin
    Author eppflo (1115562) 17 Jan 16, 20:13
    Comment
    Erste non-native Anmerkungen:

    while being an exchange student at the (university)
    - M.W. kein Artikel vor Namen von Universitäten ("at Harvard", "at Heidelberg University"), es sei denn: "at the university of Heidelberg"

    strongly involved
    - Da melde ich mal leise Zweifel an (an dem "strongly"). Die Natives können sicher die Zweifel bestätigen oder widersprechen.


    Der vorletzte Absatz - hm. Klappern gehört zum Handwerk, ich weiß, in einer Bewerbung sowieso, und im englischsprachigen Raum vermutlich noch mehr als im deutschsprachigen... Dennoch: Ist das von den Formulierungen her nicht ein bisschen dick aufgetragen?
    Anders gesagt: Könnte man es hinkriegen, dieselben Inhalte überzeugend rüberzubringen, ohne dass es einen angeberischen Ton kriegt?
    #1AuthorCalifornia81 (642214) 17 Jan 16, 20:26
    Comment
    I'm not sure where the university is, but at least in AE the first sentence sounds better without have: I recently obtained.

    Here are a few more suggestions for the first paragraph:

    I recently obtained a Master of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from the (university). During my Master’s program I specialized in aerospace engineering with a special focus on control engineering and structural dynamics. Furthermore, I acquired knowledge in the field of aeroelasticity as an exchange student at the (university). In the course of a study and research period at the (university) in (city), (country), I dealt intensively with mechatronic systems and machine vibrations.

    Focus is okay, but emphasis sounds more academic to me.

    Good luck.

    *F5* Some universities in the US do use the "The" before the name. I happen to think it sounds pretentious, but in applying to a university that uses "The" before it's name, I would follow their lead. If you look at the seal of Ohio State University, for example, they have the word "The" on the seal, though it is not all caps. The University of Michigan has the "The" in all caps. If you look at Iowa State University's seal, however, it simply says Iowa State University of Science and Technology, there's no "the."

    #2Author Amy-MiMi (236989) 18 Jan 16, 01:00
    Comment
    This isn't bad for a foreign technical person (filling in your language profile would help here), but I offer a few points that could make it sound more like a native speaker. I recommend posting another draft if that's your goal.

    I agree with #2 about strongly involved.

    I would also revise:
    With my great interest
    obtained a Master of Science degree
    while being an exchange student -> as an exchange student
    Not: intensively dealt
    Not: of high relevance
    Not: widely recognized company
    Not: fascination for
    We get grades in courses but grades on exams and projects.
    Not: I demonstrated my capability
    Not: a fast integration
    position to be the perfect opportunity to ... -> position to be the perfect opportunity for me to ...
    #3Author Jurist (US) (804041) 18 Jan 16, 01:45
    Comment
    Jurist(US), das ist jetzt eine lange Liste von Dingen, die nicht gehen im Englischen. Jetzt wäre es sicherlich sehr hilfreich für eppflo zu erfahren, was denn stattdessen ginge.
    Könntest Du da eventuell noch weiterhelfen?
    #4Author Qual der Wal (877524) 18 Jan 16, 11:09
    Comment
    As I said, I think the OP should do another draft.
    #5Author Jurist (US) (804041) 18 Jan 16, 12:06
    Comment
    Jurist, Amy-MiMi and California81 thanks a lot for your input.

    I tried to involve most of your corrections.
    I am struggling most with finding another expression for the sentence: "Continuous involvement in the day-to-day business of the flight test department allowed me to create a comprehensive synthesis and my achievements led to an award as a “high-performing intern”."
    Would anyone have another solution that sounds better and conveys the same meaning? ;)

    Here is the current version:

    --------------------------------
    Dear Professor X,
    Dear Dr. Y,

    Having a great interest in applied research in aerospace engineering, the PhD Thesis at (company) posted on the website of the (department) directly appealed to me.

    I recently earned a Master of Science degree with distinction in Mechanical Engineering from (university). During my Master’s program I specialized in aerospace engineering with a special emphasis on control engineering and structural dynamics. Furthermore, I acquired knowledge in the field of aeroelasticity as an exchange student at (university). In the course of a study and research period at (university) in (city), (country), I dealt intensively with mechatronic systems and machine vibrations.

    It has long been clear to me that, following my studies, I want to do research in the field of applied control engineering and structural dynamics. In this regard, I am looking for a topic that is of great relevance for an aerospace company that is recognized worldwide, as it is the case with this PhD position in collaboration with (same company). My fascination with both the products and the working environment of (same company) was strengthened during a six-month internship at (same company) in (city), where I was part of the (department). There, my task was to analyze and categorize malfunctions of the new (propulsion system). Continuous involvement in the day-to-day business of the flight test department allowed me to create a comprehensive synthesis and my achievements led to an award as a “high-performing intern”.

    I am convinced that my strong analytical thinking capabilities are an excellent basis for the successful completion of this PhD; in the past they helped me obtain the highest grades on both exams and research projects. My high level of commitment also led to several awards and scholarships. Furthermore, I demonstrated my ability to explain complex issues in a simple way in the course of various positions as a research assistant at my home university. There, but also during several stays abroad, my open-mindedness and very good communication skills allowed a rapid integration in very diverse working groups.

    I consider the advertised PhD position to be the perfect opportunity for me to make full use of my acquired knowledge and combine it with my great interest for innovations in the aerospace industry. I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you to further discuss my motivation and my qualifications. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

    Yours sincerely,
    -----------------------

    And I'm looking forward to your corrections!
    Best
    Martin

    #6Author eppflo (1115562) 18 Jan 16, 12:47
    Comment
    @Jurist, da forderst Du jetzt aber viel. Der OP hat doch hier schon einen Entwurf vorgelegt, der, wie Du selber sagst, gar nicht so schlecht ist, auch wenn's nach einem Non-Native klingt.

    Wie stellst Du Dir denn das vor: Wie soll denn der arme Kerl, der ja nun mal Non-Native ist, einen zweiten Draft schreiben, der klingt, als wäre er von einem Native geschrieben?


    Edit: Hatte eben #6 noch nicht gesehen. Dennoch...
    #7AuthorCalifornia81 (642214) 18 Jan 16, 12:48
    Comment
    @eppflo: In your revision to avoid "with," you've made a mistake that many native speakers make. The first sentence now starts with a gerund, and gerunds in sentence initial position have to modify the subject of the sentence.

    Having a great interest in applied research in aerospace engineering, I read ... but that rewording makes the rest of the sentence awkward, in my opinion.

    Maybe you could avoid that problem by using "given."

    Given my great interest in applied research in aerospace engineering, the PhD Thesis at (company) posted on the website of the (department) directly appealed to me.

    And now I have to ask, do companies actually advertise PhD theses? That sounds odd to me, but I'm not a scientist. Is it perhaps a PhD thesis topic? Or an opportunity to do a PhD thesis at a company? You probably know better than I what is typical, but I can't help thinking that it sounds like a finished thesis, like a book, is being advertised for sale.

    It has long been clear to me that, following my studies, I want to do research in the field of applied control engineering and structural dynamics. For this reason, I am looking for a topic that is of great relevance for an aerospace company that is recognized worldwide, as is the case with this PhD position in collaboration with (same company). My fascination with both the products and the working environment of (same company) was strengthened during a six-month internship at (same company) in (city), where I was part of the (department). There my task was to analyze and categorize malfunctions of the new (propulsion system). Continuous involvement in the day-to-day business of the flight test department allowed me to create a comprehensive synthesis and my achievements led to an award as a “high-performing intern”.

    (No comma after "there" above.)

    I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you to further discuss my motivation and qualifications.

    (You can delete the second "my" before "qualifications".)

    Good job on the revision. If this letter is any indication, then your language skills are very good and you should do well in a professional environment that requires you to write English.


    #8Author Amy-MiMi (236989) 18 Jan 16, 16:08
    Comment
    Amy-MiMi thanks for your help.
    In this case it's the company that advertises the PhD topic and it would also take place there. However, they are in close contact with the university and the professor who formally supervises the topic. This is quite common practice.

    Could you say something about the following part:
    "Continuous involvement in the day-to-day business of the flight test department allowed me to create a comprehensive synthesis and my achievements led to an award as a “high-performing intern”."

    Does it sound odd to you?

    And 2nd question:
    "For this reason, I am looking for a topic that is of great relevance for an aerospace company that is recognized worldwide, as is the case with this PhD position in collaboration with (same company)."
    Is it good English to omit the it in front of "is" in this case?

    Thanks
    Martin
    #9Author eppflo (1115562) 18 Jan 16, 16:44
    Comment
    OT: You have one of my favorite German names, and it's very appropriate for today.

    Continuous involvement in the day-to-day business of the flight test department allowed me to create a comprehensive synthesis and my achievements led to an award as a “high-performing intern”.

    There's nothing wrong with that sentence gramatically, though I think in AE the period should be inside the quotation mark. I'll confess, though, that between different German, AE and BE rules about punctuation, I'm a bit unsure about that. I don't know what a comprehensive synthesis is. My feeling is that you would have to say what was synthesized. I won't give an example because I am out of my field, and anything I suggested would probably sound ridiculous. The sentence seems to need a prepositional phrase: synthesis of X and Y. Or it needs to be clear from the context.

    #10Author Amy-MiMi (236989) 18 Jan 16, 16:52
    Comment
    Your current draft, with Amy-Mimi's suggestions, looks pretty good to me.
    #11Author Jurist (US) (804041) 18 Jan 16, 18:52
    Comment
    @eppflo
    Zu deiner noch unbeantworteten Frage in #9:

    as is the case with

    Ja, das ist ohne ein 'it' vor dem 'is' richtiges Englisch.

    Und, mir ist auch nicht klar, was ein 'comprehensive synthesis" ist. Was meinst du damit?
    #12AuthorBraunbärin (757733) 18 Jan 16, 19:54
    Comment
    Die comprehensive synthesis bezog sich auf die malfunctions die analysiert wurden. Mir ist aber auch klar geworden dass das nicht ohne Hintergrundwissen zu verstehen ist, weshalb ich den Satz jetzt umformuliert habe ;)

    Vielen Dank für die Hilfe!
    #13Author eppflo (1115562) 18 Jan 16, 23:07
     
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