Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gathered to plan the whole thing and nobody seemed to come up with any viable solution, so they sent out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers came back.
* The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help," bla, bla, and after 5 pages: "...but we have no idea at all how to do it."
* The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe. For a project of this dimension, we suggest the following" bla, bla, more bureaucratic bla bla, and after 5 pages: "so after three decades you will be able to start."
* The Italians faxed one page: "We don't see the problem. In our country everybody drives as he likes to, so we don't need rules that tell us on which lane to go."
* The Polish fax again had several pages: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation.
"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.
"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."

Am I alone out there? Please, MP3, help me!
_______________________________________
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a shabby little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with his expert's eye, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 15 cats."

_______________________________________
The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can." The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a simple question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer it."

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and waited for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line ... and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

so, unfortunately I am not very good in writing English jokes..my English isn't good enough.. sorry..let me think about a good one!!

Two guys from Poland meet in New York. One says "Hey, what are you doing here?". The other says: "I want to polish up my English." Replys the first: "Believe me, your English is Polish enough".

Not really a joke...

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

One day, during an English lesson, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Tommy!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

"Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f*%@#*& beautiful!"'

Just two months ago, this joke was Polish, now its is German. You will soon understand why:

Bubba was bragging to his boss "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss said "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Bubba says.
"The US president" his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes" Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, the president spots Bubba on the tour and motions him over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope." his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I known him." So off they fly to Rome.

to be continued...

continued...

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd heading toward the Vatican.
Indeed, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and this Japanese tourist next to me asked "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my little hamster."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit ambulance chaser. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby- sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

A rich guy hires a famous artist to paint for him a picture about General Custer's last thought before the battle of Little Big Horn. After a while and lot's of money the artist presents his picture:
On the right side General Custer, seated on his horse, pointing to the left side and looking at a cow with a halo around her head standing besides him. On the left side there are lots and lots of Indians shown, very busy picking something from bushes.
The guy is furious and asks: "What the hell is that?"
The artist replies: "Well, what you asked for: General Custer's last thought before the battle of Little Big Horn."
"Which would be?"
"Holy cow! Look at that whole bunch of cotton picking Indians!"

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could you spare some victuals (=food)?"

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least use your privy (=lavatory)?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"Do you mind," he asked, "that I have a word with George?"

I have to apologise in advance! My joke includes some bad words...But they all do exist in LEO!!!

One day, during an English lesson, the teacher says to the class: "Can someone name a word starting with the letter A?"

Little Jimmy clicks his fingers like mad: "Uuhhmmm, Arse!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy!! I do not accept any dirty words! Now, can someone name a word starting with B?"

Little Jimmy: "Bollox!"

Teacher: "I said no dirty words! Now, will someone please tell me a word starting with C?"

Little Jimmy thinks and thinks and says to himself: 'I better don't say this one'and keeps quiet.

The Teacher goes on and asks: "Name a word starting with D!"

Little Jimmy clicks his fingers and says: "Dwarf!"

"Well done!", the teacher says. "Now, can you tell the class, what a dwarf is?"

Little Jimmy puts forth his hand and says proudly: "A dwarf is a little cunt, about this big."

A letter from a job applicant:

Dear Ms. Hazel, Thank you for your letter of July 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, John Douglas

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."
The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle--Whooee da Whooee!--but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good teakettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill them while they're still small."

 
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto
the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.    

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.    

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.    

"Good idea," said the other.    

"Together, together!"

--------------------------------------

Two blondes are in Los Angeles  

One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other....
"Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other blonde replies: "HELLOOOOO!!!!!!

Can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

-------------------------------------------------

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in
the park.

 The next day, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from
the tree. He asks the blonde wh at she is doing and she replies, 'I'm
hanging myself.'

 'You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,'
said the onlooker.

 I tried that,' replied the blonde, 'but I couldn't breathe.'

Please read aloud:

A man comes into a bar with a 10 inch pianist. Impressed he told the barkeeper how nice he thought that there was a piano with a litte pianist in the bar. By telling him so his eyes caught sigth of the Aladdin lamp standing on the counter. He asked the barkeeper whether he could try. Sure that the barkeeper.

The man rubs the lamp, there comes a genie out of the lamp: What do you want. I will fulfill your dreams

The man said: I'd like to have 10,000 bucks.

wooosh, 10,000 come flying into the bar

The man is angry and shouts at the barkeeper: Hey man, I wanted 10,000 bucks, not 10,000 ducks

Says the barkeeper: Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?

a young girl wants to become a reporter and applies for an internship with a London newspaper. She's accepted. After a couple of months she gets an assignment to interview a Chinese dissident. She thoroughly prepares all kind of questions and sets out to meet him. After asking all kind of questions about his life and about China she says:

"How often do you have elections?"

Says the Chinese:

"Evely molning, evely molning!"

The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the trainer. Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer. Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer.

"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.

"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, I admit it, I'm a rabbit..."

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
PatienT. My overdeveloped self esteem. But I don't
think a little quack like you can do anything about it.

----------------
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I've got an inferiority complex.
Psychiatrist: Someone who can afford to pay my bills
can't be inferior.

Some company's CEO is taking two of his sales managers for lunch. As they are walking towards the restaurant they meet a lady who tells them that she is a good fairy: "I could fulfill three wishes. As there are three of you everyone got one wish."
Sales manager Nr. 1: "I want to live on Mallorca in a nice finca, having a nice income and no worries at all."
Sales manager Nr. 2 has a similar wish except that he wants to live on the Bahamian Islands.
The CEO: "Right now it's 01:15 p.m.. At 02:30 p.m. sharp I want to see those two dimwits back in my office!"
What could be learned from this? Let your boss talk first all the time!

An old lady tells her doctor:"I have an annoying problem: I always let those silent farts go. Although you can't hear or smell them, when I'm in company they always start to look at me in a very strange way. As a matter of fact, even since I came to your office, I have let some of them go!" The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to take them as per instruction and then to come back. At her next visit she she says:" Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but a few days after I started to take them, my farts began to stink terribly!" The doctor tells her:" That's good! We've fixed your nose, now let's see what we can do for your hearing!"

One morning, a man woke up and saw a large gorilla in his tree. So he looked in the phone book and called an animal rescue service. "Do you take gorillas out of trees?" he asked. "Only if they are male," was the response. "Yep, this one is," he answered. "O.K., we'll be there shortly," they replied. Soon, the guy showed up with a pair of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun. "What are all those things for?" the homeowner wondered. "Well, I'm going up in the tree and scare the gorilla down. When he hits the ground, the chihuahua will bite him in the nuts. Then while he's protecting himself - you put the handcuffs on him." "O.K. that sounds easy enough...but what's the shotgun for??" Answer: "It's in case I fall out of the tree first..."

2 blonde Männer arbeiten für die Stadtverwaltung. Der eine gräbt ein Loch, der andere kommt gleich hinter ihm drein und füllt das Loch wieder zu.

Sie arbeiten fanatisch den ganzen Tag ohne Pause, Loch graben - Loch füllen.
Ein Passant, der zum faszinierten Zuschauer wird, nimmt sich schließlich ein Herz und fragt den "Lochgräber":
"Ich finde das ja fantastisch, diese Anstrengung und Begeisterung, die sie in ihren Job investieren. Aber sagen sie mal, wozu das alles? Sie graben und ihr Partner schüttet wieder zu?"


Der Lochgräber wischt sich
den Schweiß von der Stirn, seufzt und sagt schließlich:
"Normal sind wir zu dritt, aber unser Kollege, der die Bäume pflanzt, ist heute leider krank!"

Ein Mann gräbt gerade seinen Vorgarten um, als seine Nachbarin, auffallend
hübsch, aber auch auffallend blond, zu ihrem Briefkasten gerannt
kommt, diesen öffnet und anschließend laut wieder zuknallt. Der
Mann denkt sich nichts böses und schuftet weiter,
bis Sekunden später die Blondine erneut erscheint, wieder den Briefkasten
öffnet und ihn ein weiteres mal laut zuknallt. Der Mann ist leicht
irritiert, arbeitet jedoch weiter. Als dann aber die Blondine ein drittes
mal zur Tür herauskommt, den Briefkasten
öffnet und lauter und wütender als je zuvor zuknallt, kann der
Nachbar seine Neugierde nicht mehr weiter zügeln und
fragt: "Gnädigste, haben Sie ein Problem?"

"Das will ich meinen", ruft die Blondine voller Wut, "mein Computer
behauptet felsenfest, ich hätte Post!"

Treffen sich zwei Psychiater. Sagt der eine: "Ich weiss, wie es dir geht, aber wie geht es mir ???"

Lehmi: That reminds me...

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
How many do *you* think it takes?

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem verschnupften Löwen und einer verschnupften Raucherin ?

How many software developer u need to change a light bulb?
None.
Its a hardware problem.

@Anne: i guess psychoanalysts usually die before .. the bulb was changed ;)

In Africa, on a very hot day, a giraffe and a rabbit are standing near a couple of trees. The rest of the landscape is dry and arid. The giraffe stretches her neck and obviously self-absorbed looks around like it was looking for a mirror. Not finding one it pitifully eyes the rabbit.

g: "How can you live with such a short neck?"
r: "--"

The giraffe walks to a tree, picks som leaves and after chewing them meticuously begins the process of swallowing and makes a show of it.

g: "It's the only way to really enjoy your food, with such a long neck as mine it takes several seconds to go down and you have ample time to relish."
r: "--"

This goes on fo half an hour, then the giraffe becomes thirsty and they walk to a small rivulet to drink. Again the giraffe goes out of her way to show off.

g: "It's really refreshing, feeling the water run down my long neck. How sad for you, you'll never exoerience that."
r: "--"

For the next fifteen minutes both keep silent. Then the rabbit, after it having watched show off several times, adresses the giraffe.

r: "When was the last time you had to throw off?"

Warum essen Blinde so gerne Mohnbrötchen ??
Da stehen immer so nette Geschichten drauf....

Two psychiatrists met. The one said to the other "How am I".
*
Doctor: What's the matter with you?
Patient: I think I've got Alzheimer
Doctor: When did you first think you've got this illness?
Patient: What illness?
*
Doctor: What's the matter with you?
Patient: Everybody ignores me
Doctor: Next one please
*
A woman went to a fancy dress ball completely naked except for a pair of black gloves and shoes. The doorman said you can't come here naked. But I'm in fancy dress she said. No you're not, oh yes I am she said. What are you dressed up as asked the doorman. Upon hearing this she raised her arms at an angle above her head and placed her feet a meter apart and said "I'm the five of spades".

Have a nice weekend (LFC 6 AC Milan 5)

LFC: Was ist sie? Pik 5????

Ich check das nicht!

@Bronchipret. Ich auch nicht. Clubderverständnislosenbildundmichhilfesuchendumschau

Also, die Frau trägt nur schwarze Schuhe und Handschuhe und stellt sich dann mit ausgestreckten, angewinkelten Armen und Beinen hin, da hat man da ja schon mal 4 Piks und wo das fünfte ist, müsst ihr euch halt denken..... = Pointe

easy, oder?

Man muss eben erwähnen, dass es sich um KEINEN Blondinenwitz handelt ;-)

Geiler Thread hier, endlich mal ein paar Witze, die ich noch nicht kannte.
Da versuch ich's auch noch mal:

Der Wetterprophet am Hofe des Fürsten ist vom Pech verfolgt. Egal ob er das Pendel befragt, bunte Steine wirft, oder die Konstellation der Sterne deutet, das Ergebnis ist nicht zufriedenstellend. Damit nicht genug, man hat ihm berichtet, ein altes verhutzeltes Bäuerlein gleich im benachbarten Dorfe könnte das viel besser. Alle Dörfer im Umkreis würden von dort ihre Vorhersage erhalten. Der Magier beschliesst, das Geheimnis zu ergründen. In verschiedenen Verkleidungen beobachtet er den Bauern, umschleicht das Haus und späht durch die Fenster. Doch trotz grösster Mühe findet er nicht den kleinsten Hinweis, wie dieses merkwürdige Genie zu seinem Wissen kommt. Also schlägt er ihm einen Handel vor, seine Methode gegen bare Münze preiszugeben. Sie einigen sich auf eine ansehnliche Summe. Das Bäuerlein nimmt den Beutel mit schelmischem Grinsen entgegen, verschliesst ihn sorgfältig in der Lade und spricht:" Vielen Dank für Eure Güte, mein Herr, doch so schwierig ist die Sache nicht. Erst warte ich Eure Vorhersage ab - dann behaupte ich einfach das Gegenteil."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm suffering from hereditary diarrhea." "What makes you think so?" "Well, it's in my jeans ...".

... autsch! Beim dritten Durchlesen habe ich ihn auch verstanden ...!

Well, firefly, the first posting said: "No garbage!" Hence, ... ;-)

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

First telegram:
Dear mum - success - received all guns - ammo - tnt - buried in the new field near the oaks - love - John

One week later:
Dear mum - success again - CIA digged up all area - now please send the potatoes - love - John

Ich versteh den Witz mit dem Cadillac nicht.

Witze soll man ja nicht erklären, aber gut: während der Cadillacfahrer vom Golfspielen spricht (balls, ts, drive), denkt der Tankwart, der andere spricht vom Autofahren (Doppelbedeutung von balls).

Da steht die dicke Königin vor dem Spiegel ...
"Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand, wer ist die Schönste im ganzen Land ?"
... und erhält die Antwort:
"Tretet bitte einen Schritt zur Seite, ich seh nichts !"

Oops, English jokes, of course ...

The fat queen stares into the glass,
To check how good her diet was.
"Hey, mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is the sexiest chick of all ?"
"Your majesty, please take a swing,
Because I can't see anything !
Now turn left, and now step right,
I see, you can't get out of sight.
I must admit that after all:
For you this mirror is too small !"

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box.

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

A teacher wrote on the blackboard
"Like, I ain't had no fun in months"
then she asked the class
"How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied,
"Maybe get a new boyfriend?"


Who's next?

Me again ...

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down
the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

A man who loved horses had a horse named Sam. Now this man had taken great pride in this horse, polishing his hoofs once a day, combing his mane, brushing him down, vet calls once a month for inspection, decided he needed a drink one day.

He rode his pride and joy to the bar, roped him up and went in for a drink. After a couple of drinks the man decided it was time to go and left the bar. Coming out to his horse, he noticed that someone had painted his horses balls yellow. Storming back into the bar he shouted" who painted my horses balls yellow". At that moment, the biggest redneck in the bar stood up and said "I did". Looking up the man said "I just wanted you to know they're ready for the second coat".

Schon wieder ein Witz, den ich nich versteh.

>>Autofahren (Doppelbedeutung von balls)

Das war wohl ein Nickdieb, oder? Auf jeden Fall haben balls nichts mit Autofahren zu tun und die Golf-Dings heißen auch nicht ts sondern tees.

A man who was always overly-concerned about the state of his health went to the doctor.

After a brief interview, the doctor said "You're a hypochondriac. Mr Smith"

"Oh, my God - have I got that, too?"

@Rievilo: Erst wenn die Vorstreichfarbe trocken ist, kann man den Decklack auftragen.

@skeptisch: Mancher hat den Drive auf dem Golfplatz, mancher in der Hose.

@Erklärbär: Dead right!

A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!" Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

An Italian boy and a Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Beretta. The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased. "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say - 'Hey, how long you gonna be?"'

An elderly lady began to attend the local church. Every Sunday she would put $ 1000 in the collection plate. After some weeks the preacher spoke to her after church.
"I can't help but notice how very generous you are, ma'am."
"Well," she said, "My son is very generous to me. He sends me $ 2000 every week and I give half of it to the church."
"He sounds like a very wealthy man. May I ask, what does he do for a living?"
"Why, he is a veterinarian. He has two cat houses, one in St. Louis and one in New Orleans."

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question,
"When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the
great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'

@ Wolfman - the version I know

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. Tracy said, "I call my husband Big Jim. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband Long John because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn smiled dreamily and said, "Kahlua." "Why insn't that some kind of fancy likker?" asked Cathy. "Thats my man" replied dawn.

Ein Mann ging mit einer Ente unter den Arm in eine Bar. Er ging an die Barkeeperin und setzte sich hin.
Barkeeperin: Wie kann ich dir helfen?
Mann: Ich will dir das schmutzige Schwein zeigen, das ich frueher gefickt habe.
Barkeeperin: Du spinnst, das ich kein Schwein, die ist eine Ente.
Mann: Ich spreche mit der Ente!

@weeone -

1. Solltest du laut Posting 1 kein 'garbage' schreiben.
2. Gibt es besseren Witze (Viele. Eigentlich alle anderen.)
3. Gibt es hier klare Grenzen darüber, was geht und was nicht. Du bist sicher knapp dran.

@.: 4. Solltest Du Dich vielleicht auch mal zu erkennen geben, wenn Du schon hier Kritik anmelden willst ...

Apart from that, I thought this was an English-language joke thread ...?????!

@Marula: "... Kaluah. Isn't that some kind of liquor?" *ggg* ".... yes, it is!"

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Some Truths....

* Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
* Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...
* Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
* I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...
* A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
* Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
* You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...
* True friends stab you in the front
* Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
* My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
* Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
* They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

Leider nicht in Englisch (das krieg ich nicht mehr zusammen), aber englischer Humor:

Charles und Camilla kommen, vergnügt eingehakt, von einem gemeinsamen Abendessen nach Hause. Auf der Treppe begegnet ihnen Harry, der seinerseits gerade auf dem Weg zu einem Kostümball ist, in Uniform und mit Hakenkreuzbinde. Sie schauen sich an.
Charles: Harry, das ist sehr hässlich, was du da an deinem Arm hast.
Harry: Komisch, ich dachte gerade genau das gleiche.

@Joe1959 & Springbokkie: Great ones!

@flootoo: Trotzdem nicht schlecht ... ;-)

Here's an old one from the Clinto era:

"Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Clinton reminds me of this one:

What do you call the Clinton presidency?

Sex between the Bushes...

@Jalapeno: Not bad! ;-)

Drinking american beer is like making love on a boat:
fu***Ž close to water..
:-)

Was tut ein Beamter, der in der Nase bohrt?
Er geht tief in sich und holt das letzte aus sich heraus!!

Warum wollen Beamte keine Papiertaschentücher benutzen?
Weil "Tempo" daraufsteht!

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me? The young man answers: "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant. "How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Treffen sich zwei Beamte auf dem Flur.
- Na, kannst du auch nicht schlafen?

Man stelle sich einen Hand mit fünf ausgestreckten Fingern vor. Frage: Was ist das? - Der Beamtengruß. Heute noch keinen Finger krumm gemacht.

@AGB: Great joke!!!

1. So verschieden kann die Situation sein, wenn du zwei Kühe hast .......

Christdemokrat:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Ihr Nachbar besitzt keine.
Sie behalten eine und schenken ihrem armen Nachbarn die andere.
Danach bereuen Sie es.

Sozialist:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Ihr Nachbar besitzt keine.
Die Regierung nimmt Ihnen eine ab und gibt diese Ihrem Nachbarn. Sie werden gezwungen, eine Genossenschaft zu gründen, um Ihrem Nachbarn bei der Tierhaltung zu helfen.

Sozialdemokrat:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Ihr Nachbar besitzt keine. Sie fühlen sich schuldig, weil Sie erfolgreich arbeiten. Sie wählen Leute in die Regierung, die Ihre Kühe besteuern. Das zwingt Sie, eine Kuh zu verkaufen, um die Steuern bezahlen zu können. Die Leute, die Sie gewählt haben, nehmen dieses Geld, kaufen eine Kuh und geben diese Ihrem Nachbarn. Sie fühlen sich rechtschaffen. Udo Lindenberg singt für Sie.

Freidemokrat:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Ihr Nachbar besitzt keine.
Na und?

Kommunist:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Ihr Nachbar besitzt keine.
Die Regierung beschlagnahmt beide Kühe und verkauft Ihnen die Milch.
Sie stehen stundenlang für die Milch an. Sie ist sauer.

Kapitalist:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Sie verkaufen eine und kaufen einen Bullen, um eine
Herde zu züchten.

2 -So verschieden kann die Situation sein, wenn du zwei Kühe hast .......


EU Bürokratie:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe.
Die EU nimmt ihnen beide ab, tötet eine, melkt die andere, bezahlt Ihnen eine Entschädigung aus dem Verkaufserlös der Milch und schüttet diese dann in die Nordsee.


Amerikanisches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe.
Sie verkaufen eine und leasen sie zurück.
Sie gründen eine Aktiengesellschaft.
Sie zwingen die beiden Kühe, das Vierfache an Milch zu geben. Sie wundern sich, als eine tot umfällt. Sie geben eine Presseerklärung heraus, in der Sie erklären, Sie hätten Ihre Kosten um 50% gesenkt.
Ihre Aktien steigen.

Französisches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Sie streiken, weil Sie drei Kühe haben wollen.
Sie gehen Mittagessen. Das Leben ist schön.


Japanisches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Mittels modernster Gentechnik erreichen
Sie, dass die Tiere auf ein Zehntel ihrer ursprünglichen Größe reduziert werden und das Zwanzigfache an Milch geben. Jetzt kreieren Sie einen cleveren Kuh-Cartoon, nennen ihn Kuhkimon und vermarkten ihn weltweit.


Deutsches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Mittels modernster Gentechnik werden die Tiere redesigned, so dass sie alle blond sind, eine Menge Bier saufen, Milch von höchster Qualität geben und 160 km/h laufen können.
Leider fordern die Kühe 13 Wochen Urlaub im Jahr.


Britisches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe. Beide sind wahnsinnig.


Italienisches Unternehmen:
Sie besitzen zwei Kühe, aber Sie wissen nicht, wo sie sind.
Während Sie sie suchen, sehen Sie eine schöne Frau. Sie machen Mittagspause

Zwei Kühe: Das ist ungerecht, teilweise beleidigend und nicht lustig. Und Englisch ist es auch nicht.

@Klaus H: Wen beleidigt denn BeSe hier? Ist das denn so schlimm? Weiter oben werden Beamte beleidigt. Ist das OK? Wer Witze oder ähnlich humoristische Darstellungen nicht verträgt sollte sich auch keine Witzfäden anschauen. Natürlich gibt's weiter oben wesentlich bessere Jokes aber so wild, dass Du hier gleich den Moralapostel raushängen muss war das Küheding nun nicht, sei mal ehrlich!
Du hättest Deine Kritik ja auch auf Englisch schreiben können.

So und nun, have a nice day um es mal mit LFC's Worten zu sagen.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties
and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when
offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a
date rape drug on the market called "Beer".
The drug is found in liquid form and available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of
"Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this
approach. After several "Beers", men will often
succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on
horrific looking women whom they would never normally
be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only
hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the
night before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred. At other times these
unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough
to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term
form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
"Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the
predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where
you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the
support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses"
in the phone book. .

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to ! salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving

what is cotton picking in German? stammt aus firefighters joke mit den indians am little big horn

Anagrams


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

@ Claudia:

http://odge.de/englisch-deutsch/cotton-pickin...

Ben Kenobi und Yoda sitzen beim Essen und unterhalten sich:
Yoda: Die eine Seite dunkel sein, doch die andere Seite nicht immer hell.
Ben: Hör auf zu jammern, Yoda, und iss endlich deinen Toast.

Hellseher: "Sie möchten etwas über Ihren Zukünftigen wissen?" Kundin: "Keine Spur. Ich möchte etwas über die Vergangenheit meines Gegenwärtigen wissen."

Two persons arguing with one another; The first one says "It's pronounced Hawaii", the second one says "Sorry but it's pronounced Havaii", no Hawaii, no Havaii ... this went on and on until a passer-by came along. The two persons arguing asked the passer-by if he could sort out their argument for them. The one man insists that Hawaii is pronounced Hawaii and the other one says that it should be pronounced as Havaii. The passer-by says "Well guys, it's pronounced Havaii". Upon which the Havaii-man says "Thank you. I knew all along that my pronunciation is correct". The passer-by said "You're velcome".

Have a nice day

This reminds me:

Dilbert and the new programmer who just came from Yale.
But I forgot what the programmer said to make it clear
where he really came from.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says,
"About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a
half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Do me a favour man, follow that guy and
see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says....
"Your house."

@need a haircut: I was thinking hard on this one, but I don't understand - please explain.

@Klaus:
PHB to Dilbert: I hired a professional to help us design our product interface. His last job was as an international terrorist. It's not a perfect fit, but he went to Yale.
Dilbert to Sven: So, I hear you went to Yale, Sven.
Sven to Dilbert: I yust got out last week.
(p206 Fugitive from the Cubicle Police)

@BF: It's obvious, isn't it? He went to the barber's house to shag his wife. That's why he had to know how long the barber would be held up in his barber shop.

@Rievilo: It is obvious. Thanks!

every day it's the same old boring thing:

breathe breathe breathe

Ein Student fällt bei der Klausur in "Logistik + Organisation" durch.

Student: "Sie bestrafen mich. Verstehen Sie überhaupt etwas davon?"

Professor: "Ja, sicher, sonst wäre ich nicht Professor!"

Student: "Gut, ich will Sie etwas fragen. Wenn Sie die richtige Antwort geben, nehme ich meine Fünf und gehe. Wenn Sie jedoch die Antwort nicht wissen, geben Sie mir eine Eins."

Professor: "Wir machen das Geschäft."

Student: "Was ist legal aber nicht logisch, logisch aber nicht legal und weder logisch noch legal?"

Der Professor kann ihm auch nach langem Überlegen keine Antwort geben und gibt ihm eine Eins. Danach ruft der Professor seinen besten Studenten und stellt ihm die gleiche Frage.

Dieser antwortet sofort:

"Sie sind 63 Jahre alt und mit einer 35-jährigen Frau verheiratet, dies ist legal, jedoch nicht logisch. Ihre Frau hat einen 25-jährigen Liebhaber, dies ist zwar logisch, aber nicht legal. Sie geben dem Liebhaber Ihrer Frau eine Eins, obwohl er durchgefallen wäre, das ist weder logisch, noch legal."

Befehl ist alles....

An der CIA-Schule stehen drei Agenten vor dem Abschlusstest. Der Ausbilder
sagt zum Ersten: "Im nächsten Raum befindet sich deine Freundin. Hier hast
Du
eine Pistole. Du hast 30 Sekunden, um sie umzubringen!" Nach 30 Sekunden
kommt der Mann mit seiner Freundin an der Hand aus dem Raum, gibt dem
Instruktor
die Pistole zurück und sagt: "Tut mir leid, das kann ich nicht!"
Als der Zweite an der Reihe ist, sagt der Ausbilder zu ihm: "Im nächsten
Raum befindet sich deine Verlobte. Hier hast Du eine Pistole. Du hast 30
Sekunden, um sie umzubringen!" Nach 30 Sekunden kommt der Mann mit seiner
Verlobten
an der Hand aus dem Raum, gibt dem Instruktor die Pistole zurück und sagt:
"Tut mir leid, das kann ich nicht!"
Zum Dritten sagt der Ausbilder: "Im nächsten Raum befindet sich Deine Frau,
mit der du schon zehn Jahre verheiratet bist. Hier hast Du eine Pistole. Du
hast 30 Sekunden, sie umzubringen!" Der Mann geht in den Raum. Nach zwei
Sekunden ertönt ein fürchterlicher Lärm und nach 20 Sekunden steht der Mann
wieder
vor der Tür und sagt zum Ausbilder: "Irgendein Idiot hat Platzpatronen in
die Pistole getan. Ich habe sie mit dem Sessel erschlagen müssen."

a woman comes to a dentist for a routine check. She settles down in the dentist's chair and opens her mouth. The dentists adjusts the chair and picks around with his tools.

"Oh, oh" he tells her after straightening his back again, "sorry, but I'll have to perform a major root canal treatment here."

"You say! How's that? Is it really necessary? I'd rather give birth to another child again."

"My, my. Ma'am, you'd better tell me on time. That will be an totally different adjustment of the chair!"

There was this green blonde – she used to steal crayfish/lobsters from restaurants and set them free in the woods




Had to get the ton up

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

In a monastery an older monk and a younger monk are making transcripts from the books in the library. Suddently, the younger monk asks:
"Say, for how long are the transcripts made like this?"
"what do you mean, like this?"
"Now, we're making copies of the copies of the copies, right?"
"Yes."
"So if there if there is an error in one of the transcripts, it will
be transferred to all the following copies, right?"
"Err, yes, I guess so..."
"Well, shouldn't then someone go and compare the current versions with
the originals?"
"Maybe you're right. I will check that later..."
The next day, the younger monk is walking through the hallways of the monastery,
as he runs into the older monk, who is constantly banging his head against the wall.
"What are you doing? Why are you banging your head against that wall?"
he asks.
The older monk turns to him and says:
"I compared the transcripts with the originals! The word is celebrate!!! CELEBRATE!!!"

@Bukowski: Please explain, I don't get the point, since there is no reference in the story to the word "celebrate" or the like.

Heinz H, ich denke mal dass es so gemeint ist: Moenche muessen ja "celibate", also das Zoelibat halten.... aber am Anfang stand im Buch "celebrate" nicht "celibate"!

Und...ich muss mich jedesmal stark konzentrieren damit ich bei Deinen Quotes of the Day nich anfange im Buero zu lachen! Die sind super, danke!

Iruka, danke, natürlich, so ist der Witz klar. Und es freut mich, dass dich die Quotes of the day erfreuen. Warum das Lachen unterdrücken? Ist doch ein gutes Zeichen und der Gesundheit zuträglich... lass es also einfach raus. Gruß, Heinz.

hello heinz h.
iruka is right, that's the punchline!

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was
very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and
couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw
you, I thought you were the father of one of my kids," and walked
out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of
who fathers her children!

Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but,
MAYBE...during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in
college...perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and
caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a
party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex
on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your
son's second-grade teacher."

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

A man walked into an ice cream shop...

Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?

Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?

Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?

Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?

Man: V-A-N.
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?

Man: S-T-R-A-W.

Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?

Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!

Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

It's a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Moses spend 40 days and nights on the mountain talking to god and receiving the commandments. When he comes down from the mountains, he gathers the Hebrws around him and tells them:
"I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is: I talked him down to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still one of them!"

STEVIE WONDER IN JAPAN

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and Shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.......and starts to sing ........."A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"

The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"

He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"

And the man replies, "Good things, why?"

And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mama, he asked, Are these my brains?

Mama answered, Not yet

(For Wolfman's male chauvi collection;-))
The definition of bravery:
Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' night out, being confronted
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

This stuff is comedy gold! Where are you people getting these jokes from?
Because I'm so impressed and amused, I'll share one of the only three jokes I've made an effort to remember:

(This one is better if you can imagine an Irish accent.)

A young Irishman walks into a bar. (That's not the joke -- that happens many thousands of times a day.)
He goes up to the bartender and orders three pints of Guinness, waits for them to be poured, then goes over to a table in the corner and slowly drinks all three while watching the football match on the television.
Eventually he comes back to the bar and asks for another three pints. The bartender says, "You know, they do taste better if you order them one at a time...I'll be here all night, there's no hurry." And the young man says "Oh, I know, I know...it's just...my older brother has taken a job in France, and my younger brother has gone off to school in America...and before they both left we agreed that we'd always order three pints at once to reminds us of the days when we all used to drink together as lads."
Soon everybody in the bar knows the story of the young man who always orders three pints at a time, and they think it's a lovely tradition.
And then one day, after several months have gone by, the young Irishman comes in and says "I'll have two pints of Guinness, please."
A hush falls over the room. The young man is in his corner sipping his first pint, and finally the bartender comes over to him and says "You know, I don't mean to intrude upon your grief, but I'm very sorry to hear about your loss."
The young man looks up, puzzled, then finally says "Oh! No, it's not that I've lost one of my brothers...it's just, you see, *I've* given up drinking."

Sorry if that's not a new one...

Blonde Joke
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. IŽll explain WHY later.

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, He went that way.

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I canŽt thank you enough Sister, but you see I donŽt want to go to Iraq.

The nun said she can fully understand the fear.

The soldier added, I hope you donŽt think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs IŽve ever seen!

The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls youŽve ever seen! I donŽt want to go to Iraq either

True facts about men!
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.

15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"..

17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

@Anne (GB) & Benson: *applause*

Hey, glad you liked it. I'll save my two other good jokes for another thread...

@ Benson

It was worth while you having remembered that one.

What about the two Irish IRA terrorists driving around with a bomb on the rear seat. The front-seat passenger said "Patrick, have you taken any precautions in case the bomb explodes?" Paddy said "Of course Michael, we've got another one in the boot".

Have a nice day

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies
room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled
ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist... He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he
thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable
pleasure...
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving
pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
The nurse politely told him.
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your balls are
under your pillow."

Eine ältere Dame hört, wie sich zwei Chicanos in LA in der U-Bahn unterhalten:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine", schimpft da die alte Frau entrüstet, "in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"

"Hey, coola down lady", erwidert der Chicano. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

Der Papst stirbt und kommt an die Himmelstür. Petrus begrüßt ihn und fragt nach seinem Namen. "Ich bin der Papst!" "Papst, Papst" , murmelt Petrus. "Tut mir leid, ich habe niemanden mit diesem Namen in meinem Buch." "Aber... ich bin der Stellvertreter Gottes auf Erden!" "Gott hat einen Stellvertreter auf Erden?" sagt Petrus verblüfft. "Komisch, hat er mir gar nichts von gesagt..." Der Papst läuft krebsrot an. "Ich bin das Oberhaupt der Katholischen Kirche!" "Katholische Kirche... nie gehört" , sagt Petrus. "Aber warte mal nen Moment, ich frag den Chef." Er geht nach hinten in den Himmel und sagt zu Gott: "Du, da ist einer, der sagt, er sei dein Stellvertreter auf Erden. Er heißt Papst. Sagt dir das was?" "Nee" , sagt Gott. "Kenn ich nicht. Weiß ich nichts von. Aber warte mal, ich frag Jesus. Jeeesus!" Jesus kommt angerannt. "Ja, Vater, was gibts?" Gott und Petrus erklären ihm die Situation. "Moment" , sagt Jesus, "ich guck mir den mal an. Bin gleich zurück." Zehn Minuten später ist er wieder da, Tränen lachend. "Ich fass es nicht" , japst er. "Erinnert ihr euch an den kleinen Fischerverein, den ich vor 2000 Jahren gegründet habe? Den gibt's immer noch!"

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor,'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Computers - Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes",
or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred
to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to
as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained
a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"

The trooper says, "No, even more important."

The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"

The trooper replies "No, even more important."

"It isn't the President is it?"

"No, more important," replies the trooper.

"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.

"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

The thread is so long that I haven't checked whether this joke has been told:

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

Ein Mann in einem Heißluftballon hat sich verirrt. Er geht tiefer und sichtet eine Frau am Boden. Er sinkt noch weiter ab und ruft: "Entschuldigung, können Sie mir helfen ? Ich habe einem Freund versprochen, ihn vor einer Stunde zu treffen und ich weiß nicht wo ich bin."

Die Frau am Boden antwortet: "Sie sind in einem Heißluftballon in ungefähr 10 m Höhe über Grund. Sie befinden sich zwischen 40 und 41 Grad nördlicher Breite und zwischen 59 und 60 Grad westlicher Länge."

"Sie müssen Ingenieurin sein" sagt der Ballonfahrer.

"Bin ich", antwortet die Frau, "woher wussten sie das?"

"Nun," sagt der Ballonfahrer, "alles was sie mir sagten ist technisch korrekt, aber ich habe keine Ahnung, was ich mit ihren Informationen anfangen soll, und Fakt ist, dass ich immer noch nicht weiß, wo ich bin. Offen gesagt waren Sie keine große Hilfe. Sie haben höchstens meine Reise noch weiter verzögert."

Die Frau antwortet: "Sie müssen im Management tätig sein."

"Ja," antwortet der Ballonfahrer, "aber woher wussten sie das?"

"Nun," sagt die Frau, "sie wissen weder wo sie sind noch wohin sie fahren. Sie sind aufgrund einer großen Menge heisser Luft in Ihre jetzige Position gekommen. Sie haben ein Versprechen gemacht, von dem Sie keine Ahnung haben wie sie es einhalten können und erwarten von den Leuten unter Ihnen, dass sie Ihre Probleme lösen. Tatsache ist, dass Sie in exakt der gleichen Lage sind wie vor unserem Treffen, aber jetzt bin irgendwie ich schuld !"

Ein älterer Mann ging im Park spazieren; es war kalt, also hatte er einen Wintermantel an, Hände in den Taschen... auf einmal hört er eine Stimme (im menschenleeren Park): "Hey, du da!", Er blickt sich um, sieht aber niemanden. Wieder ruft man ihn: "Hey, du da!", Wieder sieht er niemanden. Das wiederholt sich einige Male, bis er die Stimme besser orten kann und begreift, sie kommt von jener Mauer dort drüben. Er schaut hin und entdeckt einen FROSCH. Das darf nicht wahr sein, denkt er, aber der Frosch spricht wieder: "Hey, du, ich bin eine verzauberte Prinzessin. Wenn du mich küsst, verwandle ich mich in eine supertolle Frau und bin dir gefällig..." Er überlegt kurz, greift nach dem Frosch, schaut ihn sehr genau an, steckt ihn schließlich in die große Manteltasche und geht weiter. "Hey, du," quakt der Frosch, "du sollst mich doch verwandeln, ich bin eine verzauberte Superfrau... " Er geht weiter. "Warum verwandelst du mich denn nicht?" quakt seine Manteltasche, „worauf wartest du denn?!" Er geht weiter. Schließlich: "Du schuldest mir zumindest eine Antwort, hörst du?!" Daraufhin sagt der Mann: "Ach, weisst du, in meinem Alter ist mir ein sprechender Frosch lieber..."

@g: Ich kenn den mit Informatikern: "Frauen gibt es viele, aber ein sprechender Frosch ist cool ... " =))

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Owe, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis:
"You have a broken finger."

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been
occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of
questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added,
"Why can't you?"
The doctor just nodded. "Well, I can probably do that, too."
He stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription,
handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if these don't work,
we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Die Hebamme fragt die Gebärende: "Möchten Sie, dass der werdende Vater bei der Geburt anwesend ist?" "Um Himmelswillen, nein, der versteht sich doch überhaupt nicht mit meinem Mann!"

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

FEMALE PRAYER


Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.


I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Amen

Husband 1.0 is Malfunctioning 1/3

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes
to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower,
and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0,
but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help please ?!!!! Jane


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

2/3
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate
Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system,
once installed.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of
Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of
the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults
and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional
and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also
cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

3/3
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files
and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some
trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs,
but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications
Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find
many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2
and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0.
This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the
operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing
2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and
we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. "We trust you
will learn to fully enjoy this product!

POLICE ANNOUNCE BREAKTHROUGH
Three squirrels have confessed. One of them claims to be Osama bin Laden.
(see Thu Jun 2 21:55)

An old lady enters a public city-bus and pays her ticket at the driver's. The driver accelerates swiftly and the lady is forced to run all the way to the end of the bus. Then all of a sudden the driver hits the brakes and the lady comes running all the way back to the driver at a tremendous speed. "What the hell you are doing to me?, she screams very angry on the top of her lungs. "Sorry lady", the driver apologizes, "but you forgot your change."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Ein Österreicher (kann auch jemand anders sein :-)) und ein Deutscher unterhalten sich:
Ö: Was machstn du so?
D: Ich bin Logiker.
Ö: Und, was ist das?
D: Paß auf, ich zeigs dir:
Hast du ein Aquarium?
Ö: Ja
D: Klasse, dann hast du sicher auch Fische, oder?
Ö: Na klar doch
D: Wenn du Fische hast, dann bist du tierlieb.
Ö: Ja, selbstverständlich
D: Und wenn du tierlieb bist, dann bist du sicher auch kinderlieb.
Ö: Jaaa! Ich mag Kinder!
D: Wenn du kinderlieb bist, dann hast du mit Sicherheit auch selbst welche.
Ö: Klaro!
D: Und wenn du Kinder hast, dann bist du verheiratet, sehe ich das richtig?
Ö: Ich bin sogar glücklich verheiratet!
D: Siehst du, und jetzt kommt die Logik: wenn du verheiratet bist, bist du nicht schwul!
Ö: Natürlich nicht! Klasse - das mache ich jetzt auch!!!

Der Ö (oder wer auch immer) kommt nach Hause und trifft einen Kumpel.

Ö: Ich bin jetzt Logiker!
Kumpel: Und, was machst du denn da so?
Ö: Ich erklär dir das: Hast du ein Aquarium?
K: Nein!
Ö: Hau ab, mit Schwulen mag ich nichts zu tun haben!!!!

@Wolfman

ok, I give up: bass boat???

@puffin: Na, ein Boot, halt. Das reicht doch, zusammen mit den anderen Attributen ;-)))))

Hier, schau mal:
http://images.google.de/images?q="bass boat"&hl=de&lr=&sa=N&tab=wi

Ahh, angeln ...! Hier sind die Jungs ja nicht so aufs Fischen gehen erpicht.

Hatte auf irgenwas mit "Bast" oder "Weidenboot"(Moses???!!!) getippt.

Danke für die Erleuchtung :-))

Der Herr, der im Liegewagen oben schläft, schläft den Schlaf des Gerechten. Da kratzt die Frau unter ihm leise an seinem Bett und flüstert: "Sind Sie noch wach?" "Jetzt bin ich wieder wach!" knurrt er. "Hier unten ist es schrecklich kalt. Können Sie mir nicht eine Decke besorgen?", fragt sie. "Ich habe eine bessere Idee. Wollen wir nicht so tun, als wären wir verheiratet?" Von unten tönt es lieblich: " Das ist eine wunderbare Idee." "Gut", brummt er und dreht sich zur Wand, "dann halt den Mund und hol dir deine Decke selber!"

Zwei Nackte Statuen, ein Mann und eine Frau, haben seit 300 Jahren im Park gestanden und sich angesehen, als ein Engel vorbeikommt und Mitleid mit ihnen hat. Mit einem Fingerschnipsen erweckt er sie zum Leben und sagt:
"Weil ihr schon so lange hier steht will ich euch mir einer halben Stunde Leben belohnen, damit ihr tun könnt, was ihr schon immer tun wolltet."

Die beiden bedanken sich bei ihm, tuscheln einen Moment und verschwinden dann im nächsten Gebüsch. Ein wildes Rascheln setzt ein. Nach kurzer Zeit erscheinen die beiden wieder und sehen sehr glücklich aus.
Der Engel sagt "Kinder, ihr habt erst die Hälfte der Zeit verbraucht, wollt ihr nicht nochmal...?"

Die beiden sehen sich an. Dann sagt er:
"OK, aber diesmal machen wir es umgekehrt: Du hältst die Taube fest und ich scheiß drauf."

1. E-Mail:
Lieber Chef!
Mein Mitarbeiter, Herr Meyer, ist immer dabei,
seine Arbeit zu tun, und das sehr eifrig, ohne jemals
seine Zeit mit Schwätzchen zu verplempern. Nie
lehnt er es ab, anderen zu helfen, und trotzdem
schafft er sein Arbeitspensum; oft bleibt er länger
im Büro, um seine Arbeit zu beenden. Arbeitet sogar
in der Mittagspause. Mein Mitarbeiter ist jemand ohne
Überheblichkeit in Bezug auf seine überragenden
Fachkenntnisse. Er ist einer der Kollegen, auf die man
stolz sein kann und auf deren Arbeitskraft man nicht
gern verzichtet. Ich denke, dass es Zeit wird für ihn,
bef. zu werden, damit er n. auf den Gedanken kommt
zu gehen. Die Firma kann davon nur profitieren.

2. E-Mail:
Lieber Chef,
als ich vorhin meine erste E-Mail an Sie geschrieben
habe, hat mein Mitarbeiter, dieser Volltrottel, dummerweise
neben mir gestanden. Daher musste ich verschlüsselt schreiben.
Bitte
lesen Sie meine erste Nachricht noch einmal,
aber diesmal nur jede zweite Zeile!

Ein Geistlicher und ein australischer Schafhirte treten bei einem Quiz gegeneinander an. Nach Ablauf der regulären Fragerunde steht es unentschieden, und der Moderator der Sendung stellt die Stichfrage, die da lautet: " Schaffen Sie es, innerhalb von 5 Minuten einen Vers auf das Wort "Timbuktu" zu reimen?" Die beiden Kandidaten ziehen sich zurück.
Nach 5 Minuten tritt der Geistliche vor das Publikum und stellt sein Werk vor.
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through,
on my way to Timbuktu......"
Das Publikum ist begeistert und wähnt den Kirchenmann bereits als den sicheren Sieger. Doch da tritt der australische Schafhirte vor und dichtet:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two...."

Der Pfarrer läutet an der Haustür. Männliche Stimme in der Sprechanlage: ,,Bist du es, Engelchen?„ Darauf der Pfarrer freundlich: ,,Nicht direkt, aber von der gleichen Firma."

Ein Ehepaar kommt gemeinsam in den Himmel. Petrus begrüßt die beiden sehr herzlich: "Da hinten, die Villa mit Swimmingpool werden Sie bewohnen. Und hier darf ich Ihnen noch Ihren Butler und Ihre Köchin vorstellen." Als Petrus außer Hörweite ist, sagt der Ehemann vorwurfsvoll zu seiner Frau: "Du mit deinen verdammten Knoblauchpillen - das hätten wir alles schon zehn Jahre früher haben können!"

Ein Mann kommt ins Spielwarengeschäft und sucht nach einer Barbie-Puppe für seine Tochter..
Die Verkäuferin: Da haben wir verschiedene Modelle. Wir haben:
" Barbie in der Schule" für 17,95,
" Barbie beim Campieren" für 17,95,
" Barbie vor der Party" für 17,95,
" Barbie vor der Hochzeit" für 17,95,
" Barbie hinter der Ladentüre beim Shopping" für 17,95,
" Barbie vor dem Strandkorb" für 17,95 und
" Barbie nach der Scheidung" für 227,95.
Fragt der Mann ganz erstaunt: Wie bitte, wie war das letzte Modell?
Die Verkäuferin: "Barbie ist geschieden" für 227,95.
Der Mann: Hm, warum kostet denn das "Barbie ist geschieden"-Modell satte 200 mehr als die andern?
Die Verkäuferin: "Oh, Barbie nach der Scheidung" kommt mit einer Menge Zubehör: Ken's Haus, Ken's Auto, Ken's Motorrad, Ken's Stereoanlage...

Was macht ein Mathematiker nach einem One-Night-Stand ?

Er zieht die Wurzel aus der Unbekannten !

(Hoffentlich ist der Witz dem Niveau des Forums angemessen. Erzählt wurde er mir gestern von einer Mutter auf einem Kindergeburtstag. Aber keine Sorge, ihr Mann und der Vater des Geburtstagskindes saßen neben uns)

Was ist das wahrhaft schöne an einem Rolls Royce?

Ein Elefant steht fassungslos vor einem nackten Mann.

"Wie um alles in der Welt.. kann der essen?"

!aloha .. regina parkdeck stuttgart *gg*
ich hoffe du hast gut geruht ..das wochenende ueber ..
auch ohne einen richtigen see in S
("sag mal .. ist das der see? .. nein .. das ist nen teich." - Tourifuehrung gestern;)

Nach dem der liebe Gott Mann und Frau erschaffen hatte
betrachtete er sein Werk.
Zuerst fiel sein Blick auf den Mann und er sagte:
"Also ich muss mich selbst loben. Diese wunderbare Form des Körpers, die
wohlgelungenen Proportionen, die vollendete Ästhetik- ein perfektes Werk !"
Danach sah er die Frau an und meinte achselzuckend:
"Na gut, Du musst Dich halt schminken..."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ein Mann möchte seine Frau umbringen.
Er geht zur Apotheke und verlangt Zyankali.
Der Apotheker mustert ihn streng und meint:
"Sie wissen aber schon, dass ich Ihnen das so ohne Weiteres nicht geben
darf?"
Der Mann öffnet seinen Geldbeutel, holt ein Foto seiner Gattin
heraus und legt es auf die Theke.
Der Apotheker wirft einen Blick darauf und meint: Entschuldigung,
ich wusste nicht, dass Sie ein Rezept dabei haben."

Waffenhandlung um die Ecke.

"Ich haette gerne eine Handfeuerwaffe."
"Haetten Sie lieber einen Revolver oder eine Automatik."
"Ach mir egal, hauptsache sie reicht fuer 6 Personen."

Was sag ein Mathematiker zu seiner Frau, nachdem er sie im Bett so richtig scharf gemacht hat?

"Der Rest ist trivial, das kannst Du zur Übung selber machen".

(Just another blond one)

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh....I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A LONG TIME. We're gonna build a house.

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

He has not heard from her since!!!!!!!

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But"
said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin"' said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's
Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually
happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my
sister."

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass." Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.


The insurance clerk says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a
bit of a mix-up and we have a problem When we sent the samples from
your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.Smith were sent at
the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, the situation is either bad or terrible!"


"What do you mean?"


"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
wife."


"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"


"Normally, yes, but you have an HMO. They won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test
until next year."


"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of
town........ If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

One day the UN started a survey.
The issue:"What is your independent, free and honest opinion towards the lack of food in the rest of the world."

One week later the chinese ambassador asked, what an independent and free opinion is.
A delegation of the EU recommended a definition of "lack".
Some african countries asked, what "food" is.
The italian parliament is still discussing about "honest and independent".
And, finally, the U.S.-government is still searching "the rest of the world".


Ich hoffe den Witz (auch wenn er nicht wirklich gut ist) gibt's hier drin noch nicht. Hab' leider nicht so viel Zeit mir alles durchzulesen *schnief*. Ansonsten sehr netter Thread.

Ein Hockeyspieler will zum relaxen mal Eisangeln. Mit Bohrer und Angel zieht er los und findet schon nach kurzer Zeit eine geeignete Stelle.
Er setzt den Bohrer an, da hört er eine Stimme: "Hier ist kein Fisch!"
Verdutzt schaut er sich um, sieht aber niemanden.
Er geht ein Stück weiter und setzt wieder den Bohrer an. Wieder die Stimme: "Hier ist kein Fisch!"
Er schaut sich wieder um, keiner in der Nähe.
Einige Meter weiter der nächste Versuch. Bohrer aufs Eis, schon hört er wieder die Stimme: "HIER IST KEIN FISCH!"
Der Typ fasst sich ein Herz und fragt die Stimme: "Woher weißt du das? Bist du etwa Gott?" Darauf die Stimme: "Nein, ich bin der Stadionsprecher!"

Ich mein natürlich einen Eishockeyspieler!
In dieser Beziehung bin ich schon ganz kanadisiert.

One friday, a good Irishman was grilling a steak for dinner.
Just as it was perfectly done, he could see the parish priest coming up the garden path.
As the priest opened the kitchen door, he found his parishioner at the table pouring water over the steak, mumbeling "I baptize you and christen you 'fish'."

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Gerade im Französisch-Forum gelesen und gelacht:

Ein Bayer, ein Dortmunder und ein Kölner sitzen in einer Kneipe.
Die Bedienung kommt vorbei und die drei bestellen:

Der Bayer: Ein Weizen bitte !
Der Dortmunder: Ein Alt bitte !
Der Kölner: Ich haette gern eine Cola.

Der Bayer & der Dortmunder: Eine Cola ?!?! Was ist mit Dir los ?

Der Kölner: Wenn Ihr kein Bier trinkt, nehme ich auch keins...

aus dem film boondock saints ..

in den usa treffen ein illegaler mexikaner, ein afroamerikaner und ein texaner gott .. gott schenkt jedem einen wunsch ..

der mexikaner ueberlegt kurz und antwortet dann:
"ich will, dass alle meine landsleute wieder in mexiko sein koennen.
gluecklich und zufrieden."
kaum hat er das ausgesprochen sind alle seine landsleute wieder in mexiko, diesmal aber gluecklich und zufrieden.

der afroamerikaner ueberlegt nicht sonderlich lange:
"ich will, dass auch alle meine brueder und schwestern wieder zurueck in unsere heimat nach afrika kommen und dort genauso gluecklich leben, wie die mexikaner."
Kaum hat er es ausgesprochen, schon sind seine brueder und schwestern zurueck in afrika .. diesmal aber genauso gluecklich wie die mexikaner.
Der afroamerikaner freut sich sehr darueber.

Der texaner schaut gott nur an, denkt gar nicht nach, sondern wundert sich nur.
"gott, habe ich das richtig verstanden? .. die mexikaner sind wieder in mexiko .. und die afroamerikaner haben auch wieder ihre heimat in afrika gefunden?"
gott schaut ihn verwundert an:
"du glaubst mir wohl nicht? Natuerlich sind sie wieder zurueck. Die mexikaner in Mexiko und die afroamerikaner in afrika. Aber was wuenscht du dir jetzt?"

der texaner ueberlegt nur noch ganz kurz:
"dann haette ich jetzt gern eine eiskalte coke!"

Cara, der ist einsame Spitze!!!!!!! *michtotlach*

Ein Flugzeug ist auf dem Weg nach Melbourne als eine Blondine in der "Economy Class" aufsteht und in die "Erste Klasse" geht und sich dort hinsetzt. Die Stewardess beobachtet sie und fragt sie nach ihrem Ticket. Sie erklärt der Blondine, dass sie für die "Zweite Klasse" bezahlt hat und sie solle dorthin zurückgehen und sich dort wieder hinsetzen. Daraufhin antwortet: "Ich bin blond, ich bin schön, ich fliege nach Melbourne und ich bleibe hier sitzen." Die Stewardess geht ins Cockpit und erzählt dem Pilot und dem Co-Pilot, dass in der "Ersten Klasse" eine dumme Blondine sitzt, die in die "Zweite Klasse" gehört und nicht zu ihrem Platz zurück will. Der Co-Pilot geht zu der Blondine und versucht ihr zu erklären, dass sie zurück soll, weil sie nur "Zweite Klasse" bezahlt hat. Die Blondine antwortet: "Ich bin blond, ich bin schön, ich fliege nach Melbourne und ich bleibe hier sitzen." Wutentbrannt erzählt es der Co-Pilot dem Pilot, dass es keinen Sinn hätte und er solle die Polizei informieren, dass sie am Flughafen auf die Blondine warten sollen und sie verhaften. Darauf hin sagt der Pilot ganz lässig: "Sie ist blond? Ich übernehme das. Ich bin mit einer Blondine verheiratet und ich spreche blond!" Er geht zur Blondine und flüstert ihr etwas ins Ohr. Sie: "Oh, es tut mir leid, das wusste ich nicht!" steht auf und geht zurück zu ihrem Platz in der "Zweiten Klasse". Die Stewardess und der Co-Pilot sind beeindruckt und fragen den Pilot, was er der Blondine erzählt hat, damit sie ohne Widerrede zu ihrem Platz zurückging. Pilot: "Ich habe ihr erzählt, dass die "Erste Klasse" nicht nach Melbourne fliegt!"

These are the things they never teach you in MBA school...

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting"

Ein Türkisches Ehepaar verbringt eine Woche in einem noblen Thermenhotel, bei
der Bezahlung der Rechnung ergibt sich folgender
Dialog:

Rezeptionist: Gut, Doppelbettzimmer...6 Übernächtigungen.....macht EUR 450.00
Türke: O.K.
Rezeptionist: Sauna... EUR 49.00
Türke: Habe nix benützt!!
Rezeptionist: Hätten Sie aber können!!
Rezeptionist: Solarium... EUR 57.00
Türke: Was is Solarion?? Habe nix benützt!!
Rezeptionist: Hätten Sie aber können!!
Rezeptionist: Sprudelbecken und Tennisplätze...EUR 180.00
Türke: Nix gespielt Tennis und nix gesprudelt!! Warum zahlen??
Rezeptionist: Hätten Sie aber können!!
Türke: Gut, Du mir geben EUR 500.00 weil Du gebumst Fatima!!
Rezeptionist: Was? - ich habe Ihre Frau nicht angerührt!!!!
Türke: Hättest Du aber können!!

One late afternoon:

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says
Old Timer's Bar "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries
across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you.
What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men
all ask for a martini.In short order, the bartender
serves up 4 iced martinis and says,"That'll be 10 cents
each please." They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced
with the bartender again saying,
That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is
more than they can stand.They've each had two
martinis and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it
any longer and asks the bartender,

"How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn,
and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit
the lottery for $25 million and decided to open
this place. Every drink costs a dime -
wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and
couldn't help but notice three other guys at
the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front
of them, and hadn't ordered anything
the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar
without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"
The bartender says,

"They're seniors from Canada. They're waiting for
happy hour."

Subject: Osama at the Pearly Gates

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Das Flugzeug überquert bei ruhigem Wetter den Atlantik. Die Passagiere hören den Kapitän deutlich sagen: "Alles, was mir jetzt noch fehlt, ist eine Tasse Kaffee in der Hand und die blonde Kollegin auf dem Schoß!".
Um die Fehlschaltung zu melden, eilt die Stewardess nach vorn.
Da zupft ein Fluggast sie am Ärmel und flüstert: "Sie haben den Kaffee vergessen."

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Marketing und Makeup?
- Makeup ist für's Gesicht!

Ein Mensch heiratet sein Motorrad und sie sind eine Zeit lang sehr glücklich. Ein Tag aber sagt der Mensch zu den Motorrad, "Es tut mir leid, ich bin nicht mehr mit unseren Beziehung zufrieden. Ich will mich scheiden lassen." Dann kann das Motorrad nur schreien: "Warum, warum?"

Für einen Werbespot werden 3 Katzen eingeladen, um eine neue Sorte Brekkies zu testen. Die erste Katze ist die eines Architekten, die zweite die eines Chemikers und die dritte die eines Designers. Alle drei sitzen vor ihren Futternaepfen voller Brekkies.

Die Katze des Architekten nimmt die Brekkies, baut damit 4 Waende, zieht einen Boden ein, setzt ein Dach drauf und umzaeunt es mit den restlichen Brekkies. Als sie fertig ist, bewundert sie ihr Machwerk und frisst es auf.

Die Katze des Chemikers nimmt die Brekkies, zerkleinert sie, gibt sie in einen Glaskolben, fuegt etwas Milch hinzu und loest das Ganze unter staendigem Ruehren auf. Als sie fertig ist, bemustert sie die Loesung und trinkt sie aus.

Die Katze des Designers nimmt die Brekkies, pulverisiert sie, nimmt einen Strohhalm, zieht sich den Stoff durch die Nase, voegelt die anderen beiden Katzen und schreit:
ICH KANN SO NICHT ARBEITEN!

!Geil :)

@la.ktho
Was meinst Du, wieviele Meetings ich schon mit plötzlichem Losprusten gesprengt habe, weil irgend jemand sagt "ich kann so nicht arbeiten!"....

Für eine Testreihe werden ein Ingenieur, ein Physiker und ein Mathematiker jeweils für ein paar Tage einzeln eingesperrt, jeder mit einem Vorrat Konservendosen, jedoch ohne Dosenöffner.
Nach Ablauf der Frist wird der Zustand der Probanden kontrolliert:

Der Ingenieur ist satt und zufrieden, alle Konservendosen sind leer, alle Wände voller Löcher. Der Ingenieur har die Dosen zum Öffnen an die Wand geworfen.

Der Physiker ist satt und zufrieden, alle Konservendosen sind leer, an der Wand ist EIN Loch. Der Physiker hat den idealen Winkel für den Aufprall berechnet.

Der Mathematiker ist abgemagert und nervös, alle Dosen sind noch zu, halb wahnsinnig murmelt der Mathematiker: "Angenommen, die Dose wäre geöffnet ..."

The God of war rode out one day,
Upon his trusty filly.
I'm Thor he cried,
His horse replied:
You forgot your thaddle thilly

(thorry I know itŽs pretty crap but who cares)

Ein Mathematiker will mit dem Flugzeug fliegen, allerdingss hat er wahnsinnige Angst, dass jemand mit einer Bombe an Bord sein könnte. Was tut er?


- Er nimmt selber eine Bombe mit, weil die relative Warscheinlichkeit, dass sich 2 Bomben im Flugzeug befinden, gegen Null geht.

@JeffSeattle <US>

Es tut mir leid, ich verstehe den Witz nicht???

Eva-Maria: ich glaub, Du musst Dir vorstellen, dass das Motorrad brüllt:
warrrummmmm, warrrrummmmmmm (wie so laute Motorräder eben brüllen .... :-) )

@cameltoejoe

I dont understand your verse, at least the last words "you forgot your thaddle thilly"

I didn't find the the last two words in Leo.

 

Polo: saddle silly....

(@ hmpf) tststs schon wieder eine Wahrscheinlichkeitslüge...

a) Angenommen, die Wskt. dass eine Bombe in einem Flugzeug ist ist 1 zu 1 Million (=n)
b) Dann ist die Wskt. dass in einem Flug zwei Bomben sind bedeutend kleiner (n*n) nämlich 1 zu 1 Billion
c) Wenn ich eine Bombe mitnehme ist bereits eine Voraussetzung dass zwei Bomben an Bord sind erfüllt. D.h. die Wskt. dass eine weitere Bombe an Bord ist, ist wider 1 zu 1 Million... der Mathematiker hätte ausser der Gefahr als Terrorist ins Kittchen zu kommen nichts gewonnen...

ein besserwisser will sich von seiner freundin mal ueberraschen lassen.
*laaaaaaaach*

*lol*
*Daumen hoch*

@Polo
Thor -> sore
Das Pferd lispelt !
Ich habe doch gesagt, dass es sch**sse ist !

Für die Leute die Mathematisch nicht so begabt sind bestimmt trotzdem lustig *ggg*

@cameltoejoe: I *s*ought that was a pretty good one ... ;-)

A timely reminder that LIFE is for LIVING! :-)



The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and
exercise for the last three decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid
could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the
closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in
Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the
green fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day
- any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before
them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages
and a fountain of champagne.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is
all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood
pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f---ing fat-free

muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

@Besserwisser:

Du hast natürlich Recht. Mathematisch betrachtet ist das nicht korrekt, aber wie gesagt, es handelt sich hier um einen WITZ. Die sollte man grundsätzlich nicht ganz so ernst nehmen.

"Klugscheißer-man, früher warst du Besserwisser-boy..."
(Die Ärzte)

" Erna, hast du heut schon die Zeitung gelesen ? Was die Leute nich alles an Blödsinn anstelln, ich weiß nich ! Wenn ich mal so alt und so tüttelich werd, dass ich nich mehr durchblick, ich sach dir: Nimm die Flinte und erschieß mich ! Hörst du, Erna ?! "
" Aber Opa, die Großmutter ist doch nun schon zehn Jahre tot ! "

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Why did the one-armed man cross the road? -
Because he saw a second-hand store on the other side.

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

He has not heard from her since!!!!!!!

@springbokkie: I have kind of a "groundhog day". Every, every tuesday, your joke ist coming up :-)

Why do blondes usually have no pubic hair ?

Have you ever seen grass grow on the motorway?

A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for
three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board The cook has been
here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home
$10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

Do you know the difference between humour and odour?
Humour is a shift of wit.

Die Passagiere warten in einer Maschine, damit diese den Flughafen verlässt.
Der Eingang öffnet sich und zwei Männer in Pilotenuniformen kommen den Gang entlang. Beide tragen verdunkelte Augengläser. Einer der beiden führt einen Blindenhund an der Leine, der andere tappt sich seinen Weg mit einem weißen Stock den Gang entlang.
In der Maschine entfalten sich laute und nervöse Gespräche, trotzdem gehen die Männer ins Cockpit, schließen die Türe und starten die Triebwerke.
Die Passagiere werfen sich nervöse und flüchtige Blicke zu, und suchen irgendein Zeichen, dass es sich hierbei um einen schlechten Scherz handle. Aber die Maschine zieht schneller und schneller die Flugpiste entlang, und die Leute auf den Fensterplätzen realisieren, dass geradeaus am Ende der Flugpiste nur noch das Meer ist.
Als es so aussieht, als ob die Maschine nie im Leben abheben würde, sondern im Meer versinken wird, füllt sich auf einmal die Kabine mit panischem Geschrei. In diesem Moment hebt die Maschine sanft in die Luft ab.
Im Cockpit dreht sich der Co-Pilot zum Piloten und sagt: "Du weißt Bob, eines Tages werden die Leute zu spät schreien, und dann werden wir alle sterben."

Einem Bayern erscheint eine Fee und sie gewährt ihm 3 Wünsche. Er überlegt recht lange und sagt dann: "Geh, dann mach mir halt a Mass Bier die wo nie leer wird." Und tatsächlich, es macht *PLING* und vor ihm steht eine Mass Bier. Er tinkt einen mächtigen Schluck und als er die Mass abstellt ist sie wieder voll. "Was ist dein zweiter Wunsch?" will die Fee wissen. Der Bayer muß lange überlegen und sagt: "oiso gut, dann machst mir halt noch a Weißwuscht, die nie z'End geht." *PLING* steht vor ihm ein Teller mit einer Weißwurst, er beißt ein Stück ab, und als er sie zurück legt ist das abgebissene Stück wieder dran. "Nun dein dritter Wunsch!" fordert ihn die Fee auf. Der Bayer überlegt hin und her, druckst rum und sagt schließlich "na gut, dann mach mir halt nochamol so a Mass Bier".

Zwei verrückte gehen nachts an einem Fluss spazieren, der eine rutscht aus und fällt ins Wasser...
Der andere Mann springt hinterher und zieht ihn aus den reissenden Fluten.
Er trägt den Bewusstlosen zum nächsten Krankenhaus.
Der Arzt ist vollbeschäftigt und weisst ihn an, den Mann in einen Untersuchungsraum zu bringen, und dann im Wartezimmer zu warten...
Nach einiger Zeit kommt der Arzt endlich in den Untersuchungsraum, und sieht entsetzt das der Mann sich am Deckenventilator erhängt hat.
Er geht zum wartenden und sagt: Ich habe eine schlechte Nachricht für sie...Ihr Freund, den sie unter Lebensgefahr gerettet und hierhergebracht haben, nun ja er hat Selbstmord begangen...
Da lacht der Mann und sagt: Ach was! Er war so Klatschnass, das ich ihn zum Trocknen aufgehängt habe...

Ralle: Da wir schon bei Feen angekommen sind - kennst du ein Märchen in sechs Worten?



"Bück dich, Fee, Wunsch ist Wunsch!"...


Sorry, weder sehr niveauvoll noch auf Englisch, aber bei dem Stichwort Fee fällt der mir einfach immer ein.

schoen .. und so schoen kurz :o)

What is the difference between magicians and strippers ?

Magicians dazzle thier audience with cunning stunts.

Ein kleiner aus der Taverne.

Stehen drei Magier zusammen und diskutieren wie man den Namen eines Dämons ausspricht.

Magier 1: Ich bin der Ansicht man spricht es Negech
Magier 2: Nein nein es heist Negach
Magier 3: Das ist völlig falsch es heißt Nagach

Da gibt es einen Donnerschlag und eine markerschütternde Stimme sagt: SCHEIß EGAL HAUPTSACHE IHR SAGT ES DREI MAL !!

World War III is over. Putin and Bush are back from a chinese concentration camp and both have been reelected president in their countries. They set about removing the worst damge the war has caused.

Two years later, when routine has settled in again, they meet again at a conference. During a break they find time for small talk. After sharing memories and tales of the past Putin asks:

"What do you plan for the weekend, George?"

"Well, Wladi, I thought about saddling my horse for a ride on Saturday morning, maybe I do a border patrol around my country."

"That sounds nice for Saturday morning, so what will you do in the afternoon?"

Two German spies in a bar in London 1942:

Barkeeper: What would you like sir?
Spy: Two Martinis please (in accent free English)
Barkeeper: Dry, sir?
Spy: Nein Dummkopf, zwei!!! (oops)

Have a nice day

On my first school day i had nothing to wear. So my mother said: "Take the old suit from grandfather!"

Also i grabbed a shovel ...

Der engste, langjährige Mitarbeiter des Premiers ist gestorben. Trotz der allgemeinen Trauer ist schon ein karrierebewußter Aufsteiger zur Stelle und spricht den Premier an: "Was würden Sie davon halten, wenn ich die Stelle des Verstorbenen einnehmen würde?" "Das würde mich sehr freuen ", entgegenete der Premier, "reden Sie doch mal mit dem Leichenbestatter."

"Du, Vati, was ist ein Transvestit?" "Das mußt du Mutti fragen, der weiß das."

" Ich habe gehört, du hättest wieder eine neue Arbeitsstelle bekommen. Ist das ein verantwortungsvoller Job ? "
" Nun ja, ich habe etwa fünfhundert Personen unter mir. "
" Wow ! ... Und was genau bist du da ? "
" Gärtner auf dem Zentralfriedhof. "

@edgg
Ephraim Kishon hat eine ähnliche Bemerkung in einige seiner Vorträge eingeflochten.
Wenn die Zuhörer ihn in Israel besuchen möchten wüsste er nicht was er nach der vormittäglichen Besichtigungstour am nachmittag noch zeigen sollte.
Überall hatte er damit einen Lacher bis an dem Tag als er das in Lichtenstein erzählte.

Ein Mann geht zum Doktor und hat einen Frosch auf dem Kopf !
Sagt der Doktor: Was haben sie denn da gemacht !
Der Frosch antwortet: Den hab ich mir eingetreten!

Warum haben die Österreicher den Hosenstall beim Ski srpingen offen?




--> weil der Stil auch mit bewertet wird !

apropos Liechtenstein:
Liechtenstein erklärt der Volksrepublik China per Fax den Krieg:
"Wir erklären hiermit der VR China den Krieg. Wir sind gut bewaffnet. Wir haben 2 Panzer und 350 Soldaten."
Noch am selben Tag faxen die Chinesen zurück:
"Wir sind mit der Kriegserklärung einverstanden, doch bitte beachten Sie folgendes:
Wir haben 720 Flugzeuge, 3640 Panzer und 15,1 Millionen Soldaten."
Prompt faxt Liechtenstein wieder zurück:
"In diesem Falle sind wir leider gezwungen, die Kriegserklärung zurück zu ziehen. Wir haben nicht genug Platz für die Kriegsgefangenen."

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Staubsauger und einem vollbesetzten türkischem Panzer??


Der Staubsauger hat nur ein Drecksack

Ein Bauer kaufte sicht ein Pferd. Nach einem Monat wurde das Pferd
krank.
Der Bauer holte einen Tierarzt. Dieser untersuchte das Tier und meinte:
"Das Pferd hat sich mit einem gefährlichen Virus infiziert. Hier die Medizin,
die Sie ihm 3 Tage lang verabreichen sollen. Danach komme ich und untersuche
es noch mal. Wenn das Pferd immer noch krank ist, müssen wir das Tier
einschläfern."
Dieses Gespräch hat eine Sau mitgehört, die im gleichen Stall wohnte.
Nach dem ersten Tag war das Pferd immer noch krank.
Die Sau kam zu ihm und meinte: "Mein Freund, bemühe Dich, steh auf!".
Am zweiten Tag das Gleiche - die Sau hat versucht, das kranke Pferd zu
überzeugen:
"Komm, steh auf, sonst musst du sterben!".
Am dritten Tag wurde die Medizin erneut verabreicht, jedoch wieder
erfolglos. Der Tierarzt meinte dann: "Wir haben keine Wahl, das Pferd
muss
eingeschläfert werden, sonst infizieren sich noch andere Tiere".
Die Sau hat alles gehört, rannte zum Pferd und schrie: "Komm doch, steh
auf, der Tierarzt ist da, jetzt oder nie!!!". Plötzlich stand das Pferd auf
und lief aus dem Stall.
Der Bauer war außer sich vor Freude: "Was für ein Wunder! Das müssen wir
feiern! Lass uns das Schwein schlachten und heute ein Grillfest
veranstalten!"
Die Moral: Misch dich nie in die Sachen ein, die dich nichts angehen!

@ "sorry musste raus": das ist unter der Gürtellinie. Menschen einer bestimmten Nationalität als Dxxxxsxxx zu bezeichnen ist mehr als daneben.

Warum gibt es in der Pfalz das Sandmännchen nicht?
Es reimt sich nicht:
"Liebe Kinder gebt fein Acht, ich hab eich ebbes mitgebrunge."

@sorry das musste raus: Dieser "Witz" ist total daneben. Aber nur weiter so, dann ist dieser Witzfaden auch schnell wieder weg... Danke...

Ja dann verratet mir mal warum sich diese tollen mitmenschen in Ihrem Land so freundlich sind und wirklich alles super ist und bei uns sind (fast) alles solche unfreundlichen und gewalttätigen Bürger. Es kommt einem gerade so vor als würde die Türkei die schlimmen grad zu uns schicken. wir nehmen ja eh alles. Wir benehmen uns doch auch nicht daneben wenn wir in der Türkei sind oder etwa doch also warum müssen die das dann bei uns machen. Wie gesagt ich rede nie von allen aber von ganz ganz ganz vielen

"Ja dann verratet mir mal warum sich diese tollen mitmenschen in Ihrem Land so freundlich sind und wirklich alles super ist und bei uns sind (fast) alles solche unfreundlichen und gewalttätigen Bürger. Es kommt einem gerade so vor als würde die Türkei die schlimmen grad zu uns schicken. wir nehmen ja eh alles. Wir benehmen uns doch auch nicht daneben wenn wir in der Türkei sind oder etwa doch also warum müssen die das dann bei uns machen. Wie gesagt ich rede nie von allen aber von ganz ganz ganz vielen"

So ein Statement ernst zu nehmen ist der grösse Witz im ganzen Faden

@sorry, musste raus - you can of course say anything you like, anywhere you like, to anyone you like -

if you are prepared to accept the consequences.

to propagate racial hatred here, in a forum dedicated to language, is certainly not the sort of thing destined to make you many friends, and I, for one, would heartily agree to you being banned from it.

not only was your joke (?) off-base, but your comment is worse yet, and, in my opinion comes close to 'Völkerhetzung'

meinte natürlich "größte"

Ich stehe wenigstens dazu und bin ehrlich. Wie gesagt ich finde es schade das es so extreme unterschiede gibt zwischen den Menschen dort und hier. Da sagt keiner was dazu von euch.

Und um das nur mal klarzustellen ich habe kein problem mit ausländern. Aber es heißt doch immer zu uns Deutschen wir müssen uns überall anpassen und andere Länder andere Sitten. Das gilt wohl auch nur wieder für uns aber nicht für diejenigen die zu uns kommen.

Ein Fußballkamerad von mir war erst vor kurzem in der Türkei (er ist übrigens Italiener) sagte, dass er dort in den Städten nicht eine mit Kopftuch und verhüllt gesehen hat. Die laufen dort alle ganz normal rum. Wegen mir können sie hier rumlaufen wie sie wollen aber es ist doch komisch dort macht es eigentlich kein mensch?? warum muss man das aber in deutschland machen. Aufmerksamkeit oder was brauchen diese menschen?? Schaut her ich bin Türke??

odondon irl meant: 'Volksverhetzung'

oh, and I agree 100% , odondon irl!

Probably because of people like yourself.

Racism isn't asked for here, or have you placed it in this forum because it's a JOKE forum. You appear to be the biggest joke of all. Anyway, what is worse; an unfriendly and rowdy/violent German, Turk, Greek or whoever?

Please don't bother others with such thoughts

@sorry musste raus: wenn du über die deutsche Einwanderungspolitik diskutieren willst, dann bitte woanders, nicht in diesem Faden und nirgendwo sonst in unserem Forum. Dies ist ein Faden für Witze, die vom langweiligen Büroalltag ablenken sollen, nicht für Witze, die rassistisch angehaucht sind.

@ sorry

Mach doch einfach nen Faden auf warum sind alle anderen zu mir als Deutschen so gemain. Vielleicht findest Du dort ja Gleichgesinnte. Dies ist ein Witzfaden und deshalb möchte ich Dir zum Abschluss noch ein Zitat aus einem anderen Faden mit auf den Weg in deinen deutschtümmelnden Paranoiafaden geben:

Viele Menschen sind gut erzogen, um nicht mit vollem Mund zu sprechen, aber sie haben keine Bedenken, es mit leerem Kopf zu tun.
(Orson Welles)

Warum können manche Kommentare nicht einfach ignoriert werden sondern ziehen immer eine ewige immer mit den gleichen Argumenten versehene Diskussion nach sich, die in den betreffenden Fäden nichts zu suchen hat?

Nur mal so als Frage zum nachdenken. Und jetzt bitte wieder Witze.

Ich möchte euch nur nochmal zum Abschluss sagen, dass ich es eine Frechheit von euch finde mich als Rassist hinzustellen. Ich habe mit der ganzen diskussion übrigens auch gar nicht angefangen (gilt ans LEO Team).

OK der witz mag hart sein aber ich bin mit sicherheit kein rassist und Ausländerhasser. Ich stellte euch nur die frage warum das so ist und bis jetzt konnte mir keiner eine Antwort darauf geben und ich möchte auch keine. Und dann kommt jetzt wenigstens noch ein lustiger witz von mir:

Eines Tages ging eine ältere Dame mit einer Tasche voller Geld in die Deutsche Bank. Am Schalter beharrte sie darauf einzig und allein mit dem Präsidenten der Bank zu sprechen, um ein Sparbuch zu eröffnen, da "verstehen Sie bitte ....., es geht um sehr viel Geld". Nach vielem diskutieren ließen sie die Dame zum Präsidenten der Kunde ist König. Der Präsident fragte nach der Geldmenge, die die Dame einzahlen wolle. Sie sagte ihm, dass es sich um 50 Millionen EUR handele. Sie leerte die Tasche vor ihm aus. Natürlich packte den Präsidenten die Neugier nach der Herkunft des Geldes. "Liebe Dame, mich überrascht es, dass sie so viel Geld bei sich haben - wie haben Sie das geschafft?" Die ältere Dame antwortete ihm "Ganz einfach. Ich wette". "Wetten?", fragte der Präsident "Was für Wetten?".

Die ältere Dame antwortete: Na ja, so alles mögliche. Zum
Beispiel, wette ich mit Ihnen um 25.000 EUR, dass ihre Eier quadratisch sind!"
Der Präsident brach daraufhin in lautes Gelächter aus und sagte: "Das ist doch lächerlich! Auf diese Art und Weise können Sie doch niemals so viel verdienen."
"Nun ja, ich sagte bereits, dass ich auf diese Art und Weise mein Geld verdiene. Wären Sie bereit die Wette einzugehen?" "Selbstverständlich", antwortete dieser. (Es ging in der Tat ja um viel Geld). Ich wette also um 25.000 EUR, dass meine Eier nicht quadratisch sind." Die ältere Dame antwortete "Abgemacht, aber da es hier um sehr viel Geld geht, könnte ich da Morgen um 10.00 Uhr mit meinem Anwalt vorbei schauen, damit wir einen Zeugen
haben?".

"Klar!", der Präsident war einverstanden. Die Nacht drauf war der Präsident schon sehr nervös und verbrachte viele Stunden damit, seine Eier genauestens zu überprüfen. Von der einen und der anderen Seite. Letzten Endes verhalf ihm ein total blödsinniger Test zur 100 %igen Überzeugung. Er würde die Wette gewinnen. ganz sicher. Am nächsten Morgen, um 10.00 Uhr kam dann die alte Dame mit ihrem Anwalt zur Bank. Sie stellte beide Herren vor und wiederholte die Wette über 25.000 EUR.Der Präsident akzeptierte die Wette erneut, dass seine Eier nicht quadratisch wären. Daraufhin bat ihn die alte Dame doch die Hose herunter zu lassen, um sich die Sache mal anzuschauen. Der Präsident ließ seine Hosen runter. Die ältere Dame näherte sich, guckte sich in aller Ruhe die Sache an und fragte dann vorsichtig an, ob sie sie denn berühren dürfe.
Bedenken Sie bitte, dass es um sehr viel Geld geht. "Na gut" sagte der Präsident überzeugt. 25.000 EUR sind es wert und ich kann gut verstehen, dass sie da ganz sicher gehen wollen." Die ältere Dame näherte sich daraufhin weiter und wiegte die Kugeln der Begierde in ihrer Hand. Daraufhin bemerkte der Präsident, dass der Anwalt angefangen hatte, seinen Kopf gegen die Wand zu schlagen. Der Präsident fragte daraufhin die Alte "was ist denn mit ihrem Anwalt los?" Diese antwortete "Nichts, ich habe lediglich mit ihm um 100.000 EUR gewettet, dass ich heute um 10.00 Uhr die Eier des Präsidenten der Deutschen Bank in der Hand halten würde."

Hab ich von nem Iren gehört, der irgendwas gegen Norddubliner zu haben scheint und sie als Necker oder Knacker oder so bezeichnet:

"How does a North Dubliner propose marriage to his girlfriend?"
-->
"You're WHAT?"

Der alte Jid Löw hat schon neunzig Jahre auf dem Buckel und schreib eines Tages an den Rebbe, dass er jetzt Atheist geworden sei und nicht mehr länger Mitglied der Gemeinde bleiben möchte.
Der Rebbe ist sehr erstaunt und beschliesst dem Löw einen Besuch abzustatten um ihn vielleicht doch noch zu überzeugen seinen Entschluss rückgängig zu machen.
Er geht zum Löw und reden stundenlang auf ihn ein.
Doch der Alte bleibt stur.
Am Ende gehen dem Rebbe schon fast die Argumente aus und er greift zu aller Äussersten und sagt:
" Schau Löw, Du hast keine Verwandten mehr und wenn Du jetzt auch noch aus der Gemeinde austrittst wird sich nicht einmal einer finden der Dich eines Tages beerdigt"
darauf der Löw:
"Ach wos Rebbe ich verlass mich einfach aufs Stinken"

Noch lachen wir darüber...
Es ist Montag, der 3. Juni 2010, 5 Uhr morgens. Der Radiowecker reißt
Günther S. (46) aus dem Schlaf. Der Oldie-Sender spielt Modern
Talking. Herr S. quält sich aus dem Bett. Gestern ist es etwas später
geworden. Bei der Arbeit. Dienst am Pfingstsonntag - mal wieder.
Früher konnte er danach wenigstens ausschlafen. "Ja ja, der
Pfingstmontag", murmelt Herr S.,"ist das wirklich schon sieben Jahre
her?" Es hat sich wirklich einiges getan seit damals. Nur nicht in seinem
Haus. Als 2005 die Eigenheimzulage plötzlich doch gestrichen wurde,
mussten sie eben Abstriche machen. Und inzwischen hat sich Familie S.
daran gewöhnt. An die frei liegenden Leitungen und den Betonfußboden. Gut, denkt Herr S., dass damals die Garage noch nicht fertig war. Denn
der Wagen ist längst verkauft. Zu teuer, seit es keine
Kilometerpauschale mehr gibt. Und mit Bus und Bahn dauert es in die City ja auch nur zwei Stunden. Und was man dabei für nette Leute trifft. Zum Beispiel die Blondine, die Herrn S. immer so reizend anlächelt. Zurücklächeln mag er nicht. Wegen seiner Zähne. Aber was will man machen? 3000 Euro für zwei Kronen sind viel Geld. Und schon die Brille musste er selbst bezahlen. Hat dabei aber 15 Euro gespart. Weil er nicht gleich zum Augen-, sondern erst zum Hausarzt gegangen ist. Wegen der Überweisung.

Trotzdem: Der Urlaub fällt flach. "Das könnte Ärger geben zu Hause", stöhnt Herr S. vor sich hin. Traurig erinnert er sich an letzte Weihnachten. Als es nichts gab. 2009 wurde nämlich auch in der freien Wirtschaft das Weihnachtsgeld gestrichen. Im öffentlichen Dienst ist das ja schon länger her. "Und bis wann gabs eigentlich Urlaubsgeld?", fragt sich Herr S.- er kommt nicht drauf. Damals hatte man jedenfalls noch genügend Urlaub, um das Urlaubsgeld auszugeben. Heute sinds ja gerade mal 19 Tage im Jahr. Pfingstmontag? 1. Mai? Geschichte. Das stand nicht auf der Agenda 2010 - so hieß sie doch, oder? Aber man soll nicht meckern. Die da oben, weiß Herr S.,
müssen noch viel mehr ackern. Darum kann Günther S. mit der 45-Stunden-Woche auch ganz gut leben.. Er hat auch keine Wahl. Seit der Kündigungsschutz auch in großen Betrieben gelockert wurde, mag man es sich mit den Bossen nicht mehr
verscherzen. Wer will sich schon einreihen in das Heer von sechs Millionen Arbeitslosen? Aber den Feiertagszuschlag für den Dienst an Pfingsten vermisst er
schon. Was solls, in 23 Jahren, dann wir er 70, hat Herr S. es hinter sich.
So üppig wird die Rente zwar nicht ausfallen, wenn das mit den Nullrunden so weitergeht. Doch wer weiß: Vielleicht bringt ihn das Rauchen vorher um.
Obwohl er weniger qualmt, seit die Schachtel neun Euro kostet. Aber heute, auf den letzten Metern zum Büro, steckt Günther S. sich trotzdem eine an.

Hope this one doesn't offend anyone ...


Penis Request for a Raise!

To The Management;

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

- I do physical labor
- I work at great depths
- I plunge head first into everything I do
- I do not get weekends off or public holidays
- I work in a damp environment
- I don't get paid overtime
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Thank you,
The Penis

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
- You'll retire well before reaching 65
- You're unable to work double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

@bambi
Vielleicht bin ich ja humorlos, aber irgendwie kann ich darüber nicht so lachen...

@unknown_spirit: You're lacking the British (or Anglo) sense of humour ... ;-)

@unknown_spirit:
Just wait until you worked for some years. Then you will directly understand the charme of this joke :-)